Parenting in a Not-So-Empty Nest

Back-to-school season typically marks a rite of passage for parents of high school grads: the moment when that young person officially leaves the nest to head off to college or university.

Clearly, things are going to be a little different this year, with many students who would normally be leaving the nest living at, and studying from, home.

This was the focus of my most recent parenting column for CBC Radio. What follows are a few highlights of that conversation.

What having a not-so-empty nest may mean for parents….

Most of the empty nest research, which, admittedly, was conducted back in pre-pandemic times, found that having kids leave the nest is a milestone moment for parents—an indication that they’ve done their job by preparing their children to head out into the world on their own. So if kids aren’t able to do that this fall, some parents may find themselves grappling with a misplaced sense of guilt or even failure. They might even feel like they’re being harshly judged by other people for having kids who aren’t quite “ready to launch” right now.

It’s important for parents to recognize what’s triggering those kinds of feelings—deep-rooted cultural scripts that tell us that kids are “supposed” to leave home at a particular stage in their development—and that it’s our job as parents to prepare them for that moment. If the timing is off (our kids don’t “launch” at the expected time)—or if the kids have to “boomerang” back home again (as may very well happen this fall, depending how the next wave of the pandemic plays out on the college and university campuses that did choose to remain open), parents can be left feeling like they’ve failed at parenting!

If you’re a parent who is experiencing some of these misplaced feelings of guilt and failure, it’s important to know how to chase them away. The best strategy is to recognize and talk back to them: to remind yourself that you haven’t failed as a parent simply because your child hasn’t been able to leave the nest this fall as planned. You’re simply dealing with the fallout of a global pandemic—a situation that’s changed the entire landscape of parenting.

Of course, if you’ve spent the past year or two anticipating this moment—perhaps looking forward to having a little more time for yourself at this point in your life—you might be feeling a bit frustrated, or even discouraged, about the way things have played out this fall.

Or you might be feeling quietly joyful about the fact that you’re going to get to enjoy some bonus time as a family living under the same roof.

Or you might be feeling disappointed for your child—really empathizing with what they feel they’re missing out on by not being able to enjoy a more typical college or university experience.

Or you could be feeling all those feelings all at once! There’s no one-size-fits-all emotional response to any parenting experience and you’re definitely not limited to a single emotion. It’s okay to be feeling whatever it is you’re feeling.

…and for college- and university-aged kids

Young adults who find themselves attending college or university remotely this fall are definitely going to be feeling all the feelings, too.

They might be feeling really disappointed about not having the opportunity to spread their wings and leave the nest (this on top of the layers and layers of disappointments they’ve already faced this year, like not having a “normal” last year of high school or anything even remotely resembling a “normal” high school graduation).

They might be feeling angry about having to be treated like “little kids,” living at home with their parents at a point in their lives when they feel incredibly grown up and they want to be recognized as such by the wider world.

They might be feeling worried that they’re missing out on something magical or irreplaceable about in-person campus life. We have a tendency to tell high school students that college or university are going to be “the best years of your life!” which may or may not actually be true. But if that’s what you’ve been hearing for the past few years, of course you’ll be disappointed about missing out on that.

And, at the same time, they may be feeling secretly relieved about not having to deal with the risk of contracting COVID-19 on campus. Some of the stories of campus outbreaks in other jurisdictions have been pretty alarming, to say the least. They might be okay with the idea of hibernating at home.

Making the situation a little less stressful for yourself and your young adult child

Wondering what you can do to make the situation a little easier and less stressful for yourself and your child? Here are a few tips.

• Acknowledge and validate whatever it is they’re feeling. The situation is hard for everyone.

• Be patient with one another. Give one another the benefit of the doubt when misunderstandings occur and err on the side of kindness as much as possible.

• Remind yourself that your relationship with your young adult is going through a period of transition and that it takes time to figure this stuff out. There will be times when you’ll be guilty of treating your young adult like a little kid and times when they’ll be guilty of acting like a little kid! Your goal is to respect their growing autonomy while also maintaining that all-important sense of connection: anchoring them with the security of your love while giving them the freedom they need to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world (well, to the extent that this is possible for any young person right now).

• And, finally, instead of treating the months ahead as something negative—say, an unwelcome exercise in forced togetherness that is cramping the style of all concerned—try to flip that negative thinking on its head by reframing it as something positive: the chance to enjoy some bonus time as a family living under the same roof. The gratitude research tells us that it’s easier to feel grateful about a particular experience when you acknowledge that time is scarce—which could be as simple as thinking of the months ahead as a precious and limited time offer. Sure, we don’t know exactly what that means in practical terms—how many more weeks or months we’ll have together—but that doesn’t have to stop us from savouring the gift of this extra time, because it really is a gift—an unexpected extra inning in your life as a parent.

Ann Douglas sparks conversations that matter about parenting and mental health. She is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and a bestselling parenting book author. Ann is the creator of The Mother of All Book series and the author, most recently, of Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. A passionate and inspiring speaker, Ann delivers keynote addresses and leads small-group workshops at health, parenting, and education conferences across the country.

Managing Back-to-School Anxiety: Strategies for Helping Yourself and Your Kids

It’s shaping up to be a back-to-school season like no other: a year when parents and kids are being asked to make sense of a whole new set of rules for heading back to school. That’s triggering sky-high levels of anxiety for a lot of parents and kids, even though the first day of school is still a few weeks away. What follows is some advice on managing your feelings of anxiety and helping your kids to do the same as your family prepares for this one-of-a-kind back-to-school season.

Understand what’s fuelling much of the anxiety about this particular back-to-school season.

What most of us are finding really challenging right now is the uncertainty—not knowing exactly how things are going to play out once school starts. Sure, we can figure out what options are available to our kids and research all the policies and procedures that are being put in place right now to keep them safe, but that doesn’t change the fact that the COVID-19 situation is constantly evolving. No one knows for certain what the situation will look like even a few weeks from now, so we’re having to anticipate and plan for all kinds of different scenarios. Mentally cycling through all those “what ifs” can be exhausting.

And, on top of all that generalized worry, parents and kids are dealing with a lot of more specific worries and concerns. Will the safety measures being put in place at the school, school board, or provincial level be enough to keep everyone safe—both within the school and in the broader community? What will school look like or feel like this year? How easy or how difficult will it be for my child to adjust to the new rules of being at school? There’s a lot to worry about, in other words.

Recognize when you’re spinning your worry wheels in unproductive worry—a.k.a. engaging in what psychologists refer to as “rumination.”

A crucial first step in helping your child to manage their anxiety is recognizing and managing your own. (“Calm yourself; calm your child.”) Of course, this is much easier said than done—a fact I can attest to as someone who has struggled with anxiety for a very long time. But it is possible to learn some strategies for hitting the brakes on your anxiety.

One key strategy is to avoid what psychologists refer to as “rumination” (which basically means engaging in unproductive worry). Here’s how it works. Either you allow your brain to keep cycling through an endless loop of worry or—worse—you join forces with another person (a rumination buddy!) and the two of you end up fuelling one another’s worries. While it can feel like you’re doing something productive, worrying just for the sake of worrying is actually counterproductive. It leaves you feeling more anxious, not less—and it doesn’t do anything to solve the underlying problem.

The secret to sidestepping rumination is to notice when it’s happening and to make a conscious decision to focus your attention on something else—perhaps a different worry where you actually have an opportunity to take action to solve the problem, instead of just endlessly spinning your worry wheels.

Resist the temptation to endlessly second guess the tough back-to-school decisions you’re being asked to make.

It’s important to find a way to make peace with whatever decisions you’re being asked to make about your child’s schooling this year, whether you’re being asked to make those decisions right now or down the road.

In most cases, you’re going to find yourself being asked to choose between a couple of less-than-ideal options. That’s because we’re currently living in a less-than-ideal world: a world where a global pandemic is still raging out of control.

The way to make peace with the whole situation is to feel as comfortable as possible with the process you used to make your decision. Your goal is to be able to say to yourself, “I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time” as opposed to endlessly second-guessing yourself.

And, at the end of the day, that’s all any of us can really ask of ourselves, right?

Help your children to manage their own back-to-school worries.

Most kids are dealing with two different categories of worries as they gear up for the new school year: worries about a particular situation and more generalized worries that stem from all the uncertainty surrounding the return to school this year.

To help kids to deal with specific worries, it can be helpful to encourage a child to identify the underlying issue or concern (“What if I lose my mask?”) and to then help the child to brainstorm possible ways of dealing with that issue (“What might you do in that situation? Who could you turn to for help?”)

To help kids to deal with more generalized anxiety about not knowing what to expect at school this year, it can be helpful to validate and normalize the worry. (“It makes sense that you’re feeling a little anxious. This situation is new for all of us. Everyone’s feeling a little worried”).

Your child might feel less anxious if you help them to focus on what is known (as opposed to what isn’t known) about the return to school. You might share information about classroom seating plans or hygiene routines or remote learning plans or whatever other types of information you’ve obtained from the school.

It can also be helpful to give kids the opportunity to work on their develop flexible-thinking skills (which means their ability to adjust to a changing situation in real time). Depending on your child’s age and abilities, you might want to give them a chance to practice this skill in a fun and non-threatening way (say changing a key rule in a board game halfway through the game, like moving around the board in the opposite direction; or making some small tweaks to your family’s day-to-day routine, like having breakfast for dinner one night). It can also be helpful to talk about flexible-thinking skills: to get kids thinking about thinking!

Know how to spot the warning signs that a child is really struggling and might benefit from some added support.

There’s a world of difference between garden-variety anxiety (which all of us are feeling) and a much heightened level of anxiety that could indicate that your child is really struggling.

So how do you go about deciding when or how much to worry?

• By being tuned into what your child is trying to tell you—both through their words and their behaviour. Remind yourself that behaviour is communication (an angry outburst can mean “I’m really, really anxious”) and also be alert to any physical symptoms that could be associated with stress: say headaches or stomachaches, for example.

• By being on the lookout for changes to your child’s behaviour—eating habits, sleeping habits, activity level, energy level and mood.

• By considering whether your child’s anxiety level is starting to interfere with their ability to function or their overall enjoyment of life. What is your gut instinct telling you about the severity of the situation, given everything you have come to know about your child?

If you decide that your child would benefit from some outside help, the good news is that schools, child and youth mental health services, and other people who care about the wellbeing of children, youth, and their parents are aware that everyone’s anxiety levels are extra high and they’re offering a lot of additional supports for families. You don’t have to handle this on your own and neither does your child. You can tap into some of that support.

Recognize that there are still some things within your control (even though it might not feel that way).

Yes, the situation this year is really, really tough, but the situation isn’t completely out of your control. There are things you can do to help yourself and your kids to feel happier and calmer even if your family's back-to-school worries aren’t about to disappear anytime soon.

• You can make sure everyone’s getting enough sleep (because being sleep-deprived can actually cause you to feel more anxious).

• You can focus your attention in ways that work for, not against, you. It could be a matter of making a conscious decision to dig yourself out of a worry rut (like telling yourself, “I’ve thought about that worry long enough. Now I’m going to focus my attention on this other activity” (ideally a thoroughly engaging and enjoyable activity that requires a lot of concentration so that you can actually enjoy a mini-vacation from the worry.

• You can remind yourself be extra kind to yourself and other people. Change is hard and we’re going to be dealing with a lot of extra change this particular back-to-school season, as we figure out the new rules of heading back to school. Relationships are what are going to carry us through this strange and uncertain time. So this year, think “reading, writing, ‘rithmatic, and relationships,” with “relationships” being the most important “R” of all.

This blog post was based on my most recent parenting column for CBC Radio.

Ann Douglas sparks conversations that matter about parenting and mental health. She is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and a bestselling parenting book author. Ann is the creator of The Mother of All Book series and the author, most recently, of Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. A passionate and inspiring speaker, Ann delivers keynote addresses and leads small-group workshops at health, parenting, and education conferences across the country.

Strategies for Parenting Through a One-of-a-Kind Summer

It’s shaping up to be a summer like no other—a summer when every single one of us is being asked to play by radically different rules. Multi-generational family reunions and neighbourhood barbecues are definitely off the table. Ditto for soccer tournaments, baseball games, and overnight camps for kids—or at least in their usual form. It’s a challenging time for everyone—and for parents in particular. What follows are some words of encouragement for any parent who is wondering if they actually have what it takes to make it through this one-of-a-kind summer. (Spoiler alert: You do!)

Yes, the struggle is real

Summer is a challenging time of year for parents at the best of times—and what we’re dealing with right now is anything but the best of times. In normal times—non-pandemic times!—we often find themselves caught up in a summer-long work-life tug-of-war, one that typically involves spending a small fortune on childcare and/or summer camp programs in an effort to feel a little less torn and a little less guilty. And, again, that’s in normal times—when all those kinds of programs are actually available to us.

Right now, most of those programmes and supports are simply not available (or not available in their usual form), which means that the stress associated with work-life imbalance has been dialled up immeasurably this summer. Add to that the fact that most of us are already three months into a massive (and previously unimaginable) work-life juggling act and you can see why so many of us are already feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And summer hasn’t even officially started yet….

How to tame the feelings of guilt and overwhelm

The good news is that there are things we can do to tame the feelings of guilt and overwhelm; and it all starts with recognizing exactly what’s fuelling those less-than-great feelings. What we’re talking about here, of course, is “role conflict”—what happens when one of your important life roles collides with another one of your important life roles. Let’s say you find yourself feeling guilty about having to placate your toddler with yet another video while you participate in Zoom call after Zoom call at work—or embarrassed when your kids start fighting in the background when you’re on a conference call with your boss’ boss! What most of us are dealing with right now is pretty much a worst-case scenario when it comes to role conflict.

The question, of course, is what to do about it.

Here are a few ideas.

• For starters, we can try to dial back the expectations that we’re placing on ourselves. A lot of those expectations might be perfectly attainable during normal times—but, as I’ve said repeatedly, this is anything but a normal time. You’re being asked to be all things to everybody all at once—and without having access to your usual supports. It if feels like it’s impossible, that’s because it is impossible. There’s simply not enough of you to go around.

• We can also dial back the expectations that other people are placing on us. That might mean having a conversation with your employer about what’s realistic or even possible for you right now; or having a heart-to-heart conversation with your family about the juggling act you’re try to pull off right now and how they might be able to make that a little easier for you. (Okay, it’s tough to negotiate with a baby, but your teenager may be able to help you out a little.)

• It also means having a strategy for “task switching” so that you can consciously redirect your attention from work to family and back again without feeling mentally exhausted and overloaded. That could be as simple as planning for interruptions and having a strategy for refocusing your attention once you’re able to switch back to the original task. (That could be as simple as writing yourself a quick note: “Do this next.”)

• It also means having rituals in place to cue yourself and your family that you’re switching from family to work mode—and vice versa. That could be something as simple as stashing your laptop from work in a drawer when you’re finished your working day, as opposed to leaving it on the counter, where it is likely to beckon to you and intrude on family time. That’s mentally exhausting for you and your entire family. It can feel like you’re living in an office—and, really, who wants to spend their summer living in an office? Not you, not me, not anyone….

Acknowledge and tap into your many strengths as a parent

It’s easy to fixate on your shortcomings as a parent; it can be harder to give yourself credit for your many strengths. Here’s a quick exercise you can try at home that may make it easier for you to do just that.

Step 1: Think about a friend who knows you and your family well. What words would that friend use to describe your greatest strengths as a parent? Maybe you’re funny or creative or energetic or endlessly patient and kind. Who knows? Maybe you’re all those things!

Step 2: Then, once you’ve acknowledged those strengths, treat them as a resource you can draw upon this summer to make life easier and better for yourself and your kids. Let’s say your strength is creativity. Recognizing that strength might inspire you to find creative ways to deal with the work-family juggle or to plan the best-ever family “staycation.”

By the way: this is a great exercise to share with other parents you know who may be being really hard on themselves right now—and odds are that’s pretty much every parent you know….

Dare to make some exciting summer plans, even though those plans might have to be rejigged

Summer is usually a time of year when we make exciting plans, but this year a lot of us are worried about making those kinds of plans in case everything has to be cancelled at the last minute. (Hey, it’s an ever-present reality right now.)

And yet, having something to look forward to is important for parents and kids alike. Do any of us want to live through a summer where there’s not a single fun thing to look forward to all summer long (especially when that summer is arriving hot on the heels of a spring made up of oh-so-many disappointments)? No, we do not.

You’ll want to have a Plan B, C, and D — as opposed to just a Plan A — when you’re making plans this summer.

Fortunately, there’s a science-backed planning strategy you can use that will allow you to (a) make plans and (b) to adjust those plans as needed without feeling crushed by the resulting disappointment if your initial plan ends up being derailed. It involves making a plan, allowing yourself to feel excited by that plan, anticipating as many potential obstacles as possible, and then coming up with ways to troubleshoot those various obstacles. This strategy will increase your odds of being able to proceed with your plans—and make it easier to bounce back if you have to rethink or rejig those plans (as you very well might).

The strategy is called WOOP (which stands for “wish, outcome, obstacle, and plan”) and it is the brainchild of psychologist Gabriele Oettingen. Here’s how it works.

Let’s say you want to plan a family camping trip. That’s the wish. The outcome (what you want to experience) would be time spent in nature as a family. The obstacles might include not being able to book a campsite at a particular park on a particular weekend or dealing with a last-minute curveball if the parks have to close down again. You then come up with creative ways of dealing with all those anticipated obstacles—a plan, in other words. If you can’t get a campsite at a particular park, maybe you could try to get a reservation at a different park or maybe you could move your trip to a different weekend. If the parks have to close down again, maybe you could find a different way (a non-camping way) to spend time in nature with your kids. Anticipating and planning for obstacles makes cancellations feel less disappointing because hope is never entirely lost. Sure Plan A just fell apart, but you still have Plan B, C, and D!

Recognize that this still has the potential to be a pretty great summer, all things considered

It’s easy to focus on all the things that won’t happen—or can’t happen—this summer. But doing so can leave you feeling discouraged and defeated: like nothing about this summer is within your control.

But here’s the thing: some things are still very much within your control. For example, you still have control over the kinds of memories you choose to create with your kids this summer: moments of connection, conversation, and fun. That might mean seizing upon opportunities to learn and grow together—to engage in the deep thinking and shared reflection that doesn’t always happen when life is zooming along at its usual speed. And given everything that’s happening in the world right now, the moment seems ripe for heart-to-heart discussions and wild re-imaginings.

It all starts with resisting the sense of meaningless and powerlessness that so many of us are feeling right now, and choosing to make meaning and embrace your power instead. Remember: you have the opportunity to set the emotional tone for your family—to help your family to make this a really good summer. Maybe not the best summer ever, but a pretty great summer, nonetheless.

This blog post was based on my most recent parenting column for CBC Radio—on “Summer Parenting Strategies.”

Ann Douglas is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and the author of numerous books about parenting, including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. Subscribe to her YouTube channel for practical tips and short messages of encouragement about parenting.

Why Social Distancing Can Be Hard for Teens (and What Parents Can Do to Make It A Little Easier)

Most of us have accepted the fact that social distancing is going to be our new normal for at least the foreseeable future. That doesn’t mean that we’re liking it (how’s that for an understatement!), but we’ve demonstrated our willingness to make some short-term sacrifices for the long-term good. In other words, we’ve stepped up by deciding to do the socially responsible thing — for ourselves, for our families, and for our communities. But it’s definitely not easy.

If you’re the parent of a teenager, you may have found the past few weeks exceptionally challenging. Not only has the public health advice about social distancing evolved significantly over time: there’s also been a lot of misinformation circulating online about what social distancing actually involves. It’s not about hosting a small get-together at your house or scheduling a lot of one-on-one get-togethers with friends. It’s about limiting the amount of face-to-face contact with other human beings: the exact opposite of what humans (and teens in particular) are wired to do.

Add to that the fact that your teenager is at a developmental stage where they’re likely to reject rather than welcome a lot of parental advice and, well, you can see that the struggle is real. You’re going to need strategies and patience—tons and tons of patience—to navigate these challenges with your teen. Here are a few tips on minimizing power struggles and maximizing your connection to one another.

Understand what teens crave most at this stage of their development: recognition for their growing autonomy. They’ll tune you out entirely if they feel like you’re talking down to them, telling them things they already know, or treating them like they’re little kids. So when you’re communicating with your teenager about the need for social distancing (which, by the way, public health authorities are now calling “physical distancing” in recognition of the fact that we don’t want to limit all social contact, just face-to-face contact), talk with them, not at them. Ask them what they’re hearing from friends and reading online and help them to make sense of all that information. Get them involved in solving the problem that is social distancing. Encourage them to come up with creative solutions for staying connected to their friends and finding meaning in this moment; and then ask what you can to support them in those efforts, like loosening up the normal family limits on smartphone use, for example.

Try not to overreact to any annoying behaviours your teen might be exhibiting right now. When people are under stress, they don’t always communicate their needs or manage their emotions in the most effective ways. (And, of course, this applies to parents as well as teens!) If your teen lashes out at you and says something nasty or rude, take a breath and give yourself a moment to choose how you want to respond. In other words, calm yourself—then calm your teen. When you feel like you’re ready to continue the conversation, challenge yourself to look beyond the annoying behaviour and to consider what your teen is actually trying to tell you. Ask yourself “What is really going on here and what does my teen actually need from me right now?”

Help your teen to process all the emotions they are likely to be experiencing. One of the most powerful things we can do to support another person is to validate their emotions, which simply means telling that person that their feelings make sense. Think of how great it feels when someone in your life does this for you. Instead of rushing in to solve your problem or offering a lot of unsolicited advice, they simply say, “I understand why you feel that way. That makes so much sense to me.” It feels so good to be seen, heard, and understood.

Don’t be afraid to make some tough calls when it comes to keeping your teen and the rest of the family and community safe. Your teen is counting on you to do this and will actually (grudgingly) acknowledge that you do have jurisdiction in this area. When I was researching my book Happy Parents, Happy Kids, I came across some fascinating research about this. Apparently, the very same teenager who tells you that you have absolutely no business offering them unsolicited advice about how to resolve a conflict with a friend or who will flip out completely if they think you’ve been snooping in their room will actually (grudgingly) listen to what you say if you’re doing the kind of thing that a parent is expected to do—like looking out for their health and wellbeing. You can use that information to your advantage, both for social good (encouraging social distancing) and for relationship good (by continuing to build upon the bond between you and your teen).

Try to keep your big-picture parenting goals in mind.

Keep your big-picture parenting goals in mind. At some point, we’re going to come out the other side of this emergency. And, when we do, we want our relationships with our kids to be as strong and healthy as possible. So as you’re making parenting decisions during this extremely challenging time, try to keep your big-picture parenting goals in mind. Ask yourself what memories you want your teen to carry with them from this moment. Maybe you want them to remember that they were able to turn to you for support and encouragement at a time when they were feeling uncertain and afraid. Maybe you want them to remember the way you validated their emotions and acknowledged how hard this is—for them and for you. Maybe you want them to remember the way you helped them to hold on to a sense of hope and to look for opportunities to stay connected to and to make a difference for others. And maybe you want them to remember times of fun and laughter—random, unscripted moments that helped to buoy everyone’s spirits. Reflecting on those kinds of hopes and dreams will make it easier for you to parent in a way that you can feel good about, both now and for many years to come.

Give yourself permission to be a gloriously imperfect parent. You’re going to make mistakes—and you can get your relationship with your teen back on track. Treat yourself with kindness and remember to extend that same spirit of kindness to your teen. Self-compassion and a willingness to do the hard work of relationship repair mean everything at a time like this. Parenting is ultimately about empathy—recognizing that it’s hard to be the parent and it’s hard to be the kid. And right now, everything is so much harder than usual. But we can get through these tough times and so can our teens—and we can emerge stronger and more connected than ever before when we finally come out the other side.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio. During the pandemic, she is volunteering to host and co-host a series of free online events for parents, in partnership with other leading parent and child health organizations.

How to Help Yourself and Your Kids Get the Sleep You Need Right Now

Some practical advice on getting the sleep you need during an extraordinarily worrisome time and on helping your kids to do the same. This material was adapted from my most recent book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids.

It’s an inconvenient truth: our bodies need sleep. No matter how desperately we try, we can’t wish that fact away. It’s particularly important to stay on top of sleep when we’re carrying a heavy stress burden, as all of us are right now. Bottom line? Missing out on sleep will only make an already tough situation even tougher.

Here’s why:

When we’re sleep-deprived our emotions are more volatile. Not only do we have more difficulty managing our emotions when we’re sleep-deprived, but those emotions tend to skew negative. The parts of the brain that are associated with the processing of fear are 60 per cent more reactive, which means that we’re more likely to feel anxious or angry.

We feel like we’re running on empty. Less sleep means less energy and less staying power. That crushing feeling of fatigue makes life so much harder. Is it any wonder that so many of us try to compensate for our lack of sleep by boosting our energy in other less helpful ways, like ramping ourselves up with caffeine and diving into a sea of carbs?

We’re more distracted. When we’re sleep-deprived, it’s harder to focus. Not only does our motivation take a hit: we’re also less alert, which increases our risk of injury. That risk increases exponentially depending on how much sleep you’ve missed. You’re 4.3 times more likely to have a car accident if you’ve had five hours of sleep or less, and if you’ve had four hours or less, that risk factor skyrockets to a mind-blowing 11.5 times.

Our health may take a hit, too. Lack of sleep affects the immune system, meaning that you’re more likely to get sick and it will take you longer to recover.

The good news is that there are things we can do to help ourselves and our kids get the sleep that we need right now.

We can…..

Make sleep a priority. Treat it as a necessity, not a frill. Recognize it for what it is: the glue that holds everything else together. Yes, life is uncertain and unpredictable right now, but that doesn’t mean we should overlook the importance of sleep.

Practice good sleep hygiene. This means creating a sleep environment that is sleep-enhancing—think cool, quiet, and dark—and developing bedtime habits that encourage, rather than discourage, sleep, such as avoiding melatonin-suppressing blue light from screens, not eating too close to bedtime, limiting caffeine intake during the day, and avoiding alcohol at bedtime because it results in poorer quality, less restorative sleep. It also means maintaining consistent sleep patterns from day to day: getting out of bed at roughly the same time each morning and resisting the temptation to nap indiscriminately throughout the day—unless, of course, you’re the parent of a brand new baby, in which case indiscriminate napping is definitely encouraged.

Help your body to feel sleepy at just the right time. Be sure to get exposure to daylight first thing in the morning so that your circadian rhythms stay on track, get adequate physical activity during the day so that your body is physically tired at bedtime, minimize caffeine intake so your body is actually ready to wind down when your head hits the pillow, avoid screens in the hour or two before you go to bed (or use screen settings and apps to limit your exposure to blue light), and skip that sleep-disrupting nightcap.

In addition to taking care of these basics, there are a few additional tricks you can try if you find yourself struggling to get or stay asleep.

First, take a hot bath an hour or two before you want to head to bed. Taking a hot bath causes your blood vessels to dilate, causing heat to be radiated away from your body core. This, in turn, causes your core body temperature to drop, cueing sensations of sleepiness.

Second, dump your worries. Writing a detailed to-do list before you head off to bed isn’t just an effective way to clear your brain of worries at bedtime; it’s also a proven way to help yourself fall asleep more quickly, according to research conducted at Baylor University. So, get those worries out of your head—and out of your bed—and onto a piece of paper.

Third, choose bedtime reading that will leave you feeling less anxious, not more anxious, once your head hits the pillow. Think soothing bedtime stories, not the breaking news headlines. And if your mind is still racing, experiment with techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, positive visualization, and listening to sleep stories and/or relaxing music to gently guide your restless brain in the direction of sleep.

Finally, try not to fixate on all the sleep you’re not getting. If you wake up at three in the morning and you’re having a hard time getting back to sleep, try to resist the temptation to mentally calculate the number of hours remaining until you have to drag yourself out of bed and to start obsessing about that. Replace what sleep scientists refer to as negative sleep thoughts—“I can’t believe I’m still awake! I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow!”—with more positive sleep thoughts—“I may not be able to get back to sleep right away, but I can lie here and rest and think calming thoughts, even if I’m not fully asleep.” You’ll find it easier to do this if you remind yourself that there are things you can do to boost your energy and improve your ability to cope even if you don’t manage to get as much sleep as you’d like. Eating a protein-rich breakfast will help you feel more alert. The quick energy blast from a bowl of carbs might be tempting, but it won’t deliver the energy staying power that protein can provide. Fitting in some light to moderate physical activity will not only give you energy during the day, it will also contribute to better sleep the next night. It’s a total win-win.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio.