Parenting in a Not-So-Empty Nest

Back-to-school season typically marks a rite of passage for parents of high school grads: the moment when that young person officially leaves the nest to head off to college or university.

Clearly, things are going to be a little different this year, with many students who would normally be leaving the nest living at, and studying from, home.

This was the focus of my most recent parenting column for CBC Radio. What follows are a few highlights of that conversation.

What having a not-so-empty nest may mean for parents….

Most of the empty nest research, which, admittedly, was conducted back in pre-pandemic times, found that having kids leave the nest is a milestone moment for parents—an indication that they’ve done their job by preparing their children to head out into the world on their own. So if kids aren’t able to do that this fall, some parents may find themselves grappling with a misplaced sense of guilt or even failure. They might even feel like they’re being harshly judged by other people for having kids who aren’t quite “ready to launch” right now.

It’s important for parents to recognize what’s triggering those kinds of feelings—deep-rooted cultural scripts that tell us that kids are “supposed” to leave home at a particular stage in their development—and that it’s our job as parents to prepare them for that moment. If the timing is off (our kids don’t “launch” at the expected time)—or if the kids have to “boomerang” back home again (as may very well happen this fall, depending how the next wave of the pandemic plays out on the college and university campuses that did choose to remain open), parents can be left feeling like they’ve failed at parenting!

If you’re a parent who is experiencing some of these misplaced feelings of guilt and failure, it’s important to know how to chase them away. The best strategy is to recognize and talk back to them: to remind yourself that you haven’t failed as a parent simply because your child hasn’t been able to leave the nest this fall as planned. You’re simply dealing with the fallout of a global pandemic—a situation that’s changed the entire landscape of parenting.

Of course, if you’ve spent the past year or two anticipating this moment—perhaps looking forward to having a little more time for yourself at this point in your life—you might be feeling a bit frustrated, or even discouraged, about the way things have played out this fall.

Or you might be feeling quietly joyful about the fact that you’re going to get to enjoy some bonus time as a family living under the same roof.

Or you might be feeling disappointed for your child—really empathizing with what they feel they’re missing out on by not being able to enjoy a more typical college or university experience.

Or you could be feeling all those feelings all at once! There’s no one-size-fits-all emotional response to any parenting experience and you’re definitely not limited to a single emotion. It’s okay to be feeling whatever it is you’re feeling.

…and for college- and university-aged kids

Young adults who find themselves attending college or university remotely this fall are definitely going to be feeling all the feelings, too.

They might be feeling really disappointed about not having the opportunity to spread their wings and leave the nest (this on top of the layers and layers of disappointments they’ve already faced this year, like not having a “normal” last year of high school or anything even remotely resembling a “normal” high school graduation).

They might be feeling angry about having to be treated like “little kids,” living at home with their parents at a point in their lives when they feel incredibly grown up and they want to be recognized as such by the wider world.

They might be feeling worried that they’re missing out on something magical or irreplaceable about in-person campus life. We have a tendency to tell high school students that college or university are going to be “the best years of your life!” which may or may not actually be true. But if that’s what you’ve been hearing for the past few years, of course you’ll be disappointed about missing out on that.

And, at the same time, they may be feeling secretly relieved about not having to deal with the risk of contracting COVID-19 on campus. Some of the stories of campus outbreaks in other jurisdictions have been pretty alarming, to say the least. They might be okay with the idea of hibernating at home.

Making the situation a little less stressful for yourself and your young adult child

Wondering what you can do to make the situation a little easier and less stressful for yourself and your child? Here are a few tips.

• Acknowledge and validate whatever it is they’re feeling. The situation is hard for everyone.

• Be patient with one another. Give one another the benefit of the doubt when misunderstandings occur and err on the side of kindness as much as possible.

• Remind yourself that your relationship with your young adult is going through a period of transition and that it takes time to figure this stuff out. There will be times when you’ll be guilty of treating your young adult like a little kid and times when they’ll be guilty of acting like a little kid! Your goal is to respect their growing autonomy while also maintaining that all-important sense of connection: anchoring them with the security of your love while giving them the freedom they need to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world (well, to the extent that this is possible for any young person right now).

• And, finally, instead of treating the months ahead as something negative—say, an unwelcome exercise in forced togetherness that is cramping the style of all concerned—try to flip that negative thinking on its head by reframing it as something positive: the chance to enjoy some bonus time as a family living under the same roof. The gratitude research tells us that it’s easier to feel grateful about a particular experience when you acknowledge that time is scarce—which could be as simple as thinking of the months ahead as a precious and limited time offer. Sure, we don’t know exactly what that means in practical terms—how many more weeks or months we’ll have together—but that doesn’t have to stop us from savouring the gift of this extra time, because it really is a gift—an unexpected extra inning in your life as a parent.

Ann Douglas sparks conversations that matter about parenting and mental health. She is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and a bestselling parenting book author. Ann is the creator of The Mother of All Book series and the author, most recently, of Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. A passionate and inspiring speaker, Ann delivers keynote addresses and leads small-group workshops at health, parenting, and education conferences across the country.

Finding Your Way in an Empty (or Emptier) Nest

The transition to an empty nest can feel gut-wrenching and/or disorienting at first -- but you can find your way over time. 

It's the little things that tend to do you in: the sight of a too-empty refrigerator; the fact that you're no longer tripping over a small mountain of running shoes each time you attempt to enter or exit the front door; and the silence that greets you if you happen to be brave enough to step foot in your child's now-empty room. 

The transition to an empty nest (or an emptier nest, as the case may be) can be a rough one, especially during the early days. Sure, you've known this day was coming from the moment you became a parent, but it can catch you off guard nonetheless. ("How did the past 18 years manage to fly by so quickly?" you ask yourself as you hug your child goodbye and exit his dorm room.)

It doesn't seem all that long ago that you were trying to wrap your head around the fact that you were about to become a parent -- and now this chapter in your life is coming to a close. Or so it seems....

But is it? Are you obsolete? Have you actually outlived your usefulness as a parent? Or could it be that you're about to enter an exciting new stage together? (Or at least once you're finally able to stop crying?!!!) Based on what I've learned over the past ten years while watching my own four kids exit the nest, I would have to say it's definitely the latter. This isn't the end. It's more like a beginning. There are great times ahead. But you have to allow yourself to feel what ever it is you're feeling before you can find your way to that happier place.

And here's something else you need to know: there’s no right or wrong way to feel as you weather this milestone transition in your life as a parent. Your feelings may surprise you. You may feel more devastated or more relieved than you had ever imagined yourself feeling. And that's okay!

It's also pretty common to experience a mix of emotions. According to developmental psychologist Jeffrey Arnott, 84 percent of new empty nesters report missing their kids; 90 percent say they’re happy their kids are more independent; and 60 percent report that they’re looking forward to having more time to spend with a partner or spouse. 

Looking for some strategies to help you manage that cocktail of emotions? Here are a few tips, based on what I've experienced firsthand and what I've learned from other parents. (Note: If you prefer to listen to the audio version of these tips, you can tune into my recent interview with CBC Radio's Metro Morning.)

Give yourself a chance to feel all the feelings

Resist the temptation to fast-forward through these emotions -- and know that the intensity of these emotions will start to ease over time. 

Talk to other parents who’ve weathered this transition and come out the other side

Look for people who will help to reassure you that what you’re experiencing isn’t actually an ending, but more like a beginning: the start of an exciting new chapter in your life and a brand new relationship with your child.

Offer that same kind of support to other parents

Reach out to other empty nesters you know who might be having an exceptionally tough time. And be sure to make a point of looking out for the dads as well as the moms. After all, it's not as if moms have a monopoly on experiencing that aching feeling of loneliness when they stumble into a child’s now-empty bedroom. Dads feel it, too. And we need to ensure that they know that it's okay to talk about it as well.

Set a new goal for yourself

Remember all those years when you longed for a bit of time to yourself? Now you've got that time. So set a goal for yourself. Sign up for a course, acquire a new hobby, train for your first 5K, or plan a weekend getaway to a place you’ve always wanted to go – perhaps with someone you haven’t had the chance to spend time with in a while. In other words, embrace the freedom that comes from having a bit more time to yourself and for all the other important relationships in your life. Not only will this help you feel better (or, at a minimum, a little less awful): you'll also be modelling healthy resilience for your kids. You'll be demonstrating your ability to embrace new opportunities as opposed to, say, moping around the house -- or turning your kids' empty bedrooms into shrines! 

Stay connected in a way that works for your child and for you

Look for opportunities to maintain your connection to your child -- and don’t feel that you need to apologize for doing so. At a time when parents are frequently (and often unfairly) lambasted for being “helicopter parents,” you might be hesitant to provide your child with the behind-the-scenes emotional support and connection that actually encourages first-year college and university students to thrive.

Of course, what you say (and how you say it) matters a lot. You want to be kind, supportive, and encouraging. You want to express full confidence in your child’s ability to cope with whatever curveballs happen to come her way. And, finally, you want to remind her that she can reach out to you for support at any time, because family is forever and your love is unconditional. 

All that said, it’s important to recognize that some students will welcome more day-to-day contact with their parents than others. Some will benefit from a steady stream of encouraging messages from back home -- while others may want to pull away a little at first as they dive into the carnival-like excitement of campus life. Let your child take the lead in determining the frequency and mode of communication (text messages versus phone calls or face-to-face visits), but don’t be afraid to reach out if he or she drops the communication ball. Odds are your child will welcome a semi-regular stream of “thinking of you” messages from back home. (According to a December 2015 study conducted by the BMO Wealth Institute, over half of Canadian parents reported having contact with their young adults every day or almost every day. And young adults welcome that contact, with just 23% complaining that their parents were overly involved in their lives.)

Ultimately, that contact is good for them—and it’s good for you, too. Research shows that life satisfaction increases for parents during the empty nest stage for those parents are in frequent contact with their young adult child. So don't feel pressured to pull away as you enter this new phase in your relationship with your child. Your child still needs you as much as ever. They just happen to need you differently, that's all.

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