Q + A with Jennifer Fink, author of Building Boys

I’ve only had the opportunity to meet Jennifer Fink in person once (at a writers’ conference in New York City, many years ago), but she made a strong enough impression on me that the two of us have stayed in touch ever since. (It’s one of the best things about being a writer: being in community with other writers!) When I heard Jennifer had a brand new parenting book arriving on bookstore shelves, I invited her to do a short Q&A for my blog. What follows are my questions and her answers.

Q. In the introduction of your book, you highlight the challenge that parents face in “[helping] our boys navigate evolving gender norms while we adults are still unpacking the ways in which gender influences our lives?” How has your own thinking about gender norms changed over the years, both as a parent and as a person?

JENNIFER FINK: I didn’t realize that gender norms affected boys and men until after I became a parent of boys.

As a female, I’ve long been aware of the many ways in which gender limit women and girls’ experiences. I didn’t realize that boys (and men) are limited and harmed by gender stereotypes too. Before I had young boys, I never realizing how damaging (and emotionally stunting) “boys don’t cry” or “man up!” can be. Before I had boys in school, I didn’t realize how many teachers and others presume that a boy is “making trouble” when he’s wiggly or physical.

I learned about the “man box” – the set of stereotypical characteristics that describe what a man is “supposed to be.” These are so ingrained in our culture that you know them, even if you’ve never heard the term “man box.” Stoic. Strong. Tough. Not gay. Ready for sex (and good at it!). I don’t want my boys (or any boys) limited by the man box, just as I don’t want my gender to limit my opportunities or unduly influence others’ perception of me.

Personally, I’d like to do away with gender norms. I’d like all humans to be able to live, dress, and act as they please.

Q. What words of encouragement would you offer to parents who are trying to take into account the fact that rigid gender expectations are (as you put it) “giving way to a more tolerant, flexible understanding and expression of gender”? Why is this good news for parents and kids alike (and for all of us, actually)?

JENNIFER FINK: Let people be who they are! I firmly believe that each of us comes into the world with a unique set of gifts and talents, and that each of us is supposed to use our gifts and talents for the good of the world. When we stifle others’ gifts – by telling them they can’t do certain things because those things don’t align with traditional gender norms, for instance – we harm both the individual and the greater society, because we never get to experience the individual’s gifts.

When we let go of preconceived, gender-based notions of what people “should” or shouldn’t do, people can be their authentic selves.

Q. In your book, you talk about the importance of helping boys to untangle the confusing messages they are being given about what it means to be a boy. I’m thinking about the section on male privilege where you encourage parents to have frank conversations about how socially constructed gender roles can limit or advantage a person. What advice would you offer to a parent who is having this kind of conversation with their son for the very first time?

JENNIFER FINK:

#1. Remember that your boy is relatively new to this world. You may be well aware of the centuries (or millennia) of male domination and males’ historical oppression of others, but your son doesn’t know all that yet. Informed tweens and teens may know the history, but like most young people, they’re most concerned with what’s in front of them. And what our boys see in their classrooms and schools looks very different than what we adults see in business and politics. Boys see girls, almost exclusively, in positions of power and leadership. (Girls now dominate boys academically throughout most of the world, and girls also dominate class and club leadership positions.) Your boy’s perspective and experience are likely very different than yours, and you must take that into consideration.

#2: Provide context. Help your son understand history (including recent history!) and how it affected people he knows.

#3: Listen. Don’t lecture. Ask your son about his experience. Ask him about girls’ experiences, about the experiences of trans or non-binary kids he knows. Thank him for sharing his insights and observations with you, even if he doesn’t say all the “right” things. A lot of boys have questions about the idea of “male privilege” and they need space to have those conversations with caring adults. If you shut down the conversation, his questions won’t simply dissipate. He’ll go online and find someone like Andrew Tate, who’s more than happy to profit from boys’ confusion.

Someone's Hosting A Really Special Event Honouring Me (and You're Invited)

Imagine having someone get in touch with you to see if you’d be interested in having them host a special event celebrating your achievements as an author—if you’d be okay with them shining a spotlight on you and your books?

Believe it or not, this happened to me recently—and the special event I’m talking about is actually in the works right now. (I know: it’s pretty mind-boggling, isn’t it?)

Anyway, to say that I’m thrilled and honoured would be the understatement of the year, which is why I’m excited to be able to share details of this event with you. The event is being hosted by BRIA—a virtual clinic developed by leading MD psychiatrists with decades of experience in women’s mental health care. Basically, you’re being invited to get together with a bunch of women who’ve read one or more of my books on pregnancy, parenting, or midlife and who are interested in being part of a conversation about one or more of those books.

Full event description below. You can register for the event here.

BRIA Book Club with Ann Douglas

Please join BRIA to celebrate our inaugural BRIA Book Club with celebrated Canadian author Ann Douglas, on April 4th at 7:30pm.

BRIA is thrilled to welcome Ann, a trusted Canadian writer on all topics relating to pregnancy and parenting, and a leading voice on midlife transitions for women.

Ann is the author of the bestselling “Mother of All” series, which includes The Mother of All Pregnancy Books, The Mother of All Baby Books, The Mother of All Toddler Books and so many more popular guidebooks that Canadian families have relied on for over 20 years.

Ann also published Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss with John Sussman. Written especially for parents who have lost a child, Trying Again provides facts to help determine whether you, or your partner, are emotionally ready for another pregnancy.

In 2022, Ann published Navigating the Messy Middle; A Fiercely Honest and Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women. In her new book, Ann explores the messy and misunderstood midlife years in this big-hearted and encouraging guide for women.

We invite you to join BRIA and Ann for an evening of conversation, connection and laughter, whether you are trying to conceive, pregnant, a new parent, living through the messy middle, or anywhere in between. Ann will share her experience as an expert author, her insights about parenting, and strategies for navigating midlife transitions.

In order to fully participate in the evening’s conversation, please purchase and read the book that best suits your stage:

- Navigating The Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest and Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women

- The Mother of All Pregnancy Books

- The Mother of All Baby Books

- The Mother of All Toddler Books

- Trying Again

- Parenting Through the Storm

- Happy Parents, Happy Kids

Note: Each of these books is also available via your favourite online book retailer, but in the interests in promoting the health of independent bookstores in Canada (who play an essential role in supporting Canadian authors and their books), I’m providing links to a search tool that will allow you to find and purchase a copy of one of my books via your favourite local bookstore. And, while you’re at it, you might want to make plans to celebrate Canadian Independent Bookstore Day on Saturday, April 29, 2023. I know I’ll be celebrating that day.

Q + A with Rona Maynard, Author of Starter Dog

Rona Maynard is known for being a brilliant storyteller: someone who understands the many ways stories can bring people together. It’s the thread that weaves together so many of the different chapters in own life. She was the editor-in-chief of Chatelaine from 1994 to 2004. She is the author of the critically acclaimed memoir My Mother’s Daughter. And, next month, her latest book, Starter Dog: My Path to Joy, Belonging, and Loving This World, will hit the bookstore shelves. I recently had the opportunity to ask Rona a few questions—mostly about the stories behind her story-rich book. What follows are my questions and Rona’s beautiful, heartfelt responses.

I’m always fascinated to hear stories about how book ideas manage to find authors and how authors manage to find book ideas. Do you remember when and how you landed on this book idea? What made you realize that Starter Dog needed to be your next book?

Starter Dog: My Path to Joy, Belonging, and Loving This World by Rona Maynard

When Casey joined the family on Easter Sunday, 2015, I'd been struggling for years to get a second book off the ground. I couldn't find a shape in all the writing squirreled away on my hard drive. I had something to say--Important with a capital I--about walking away from a job that had once consumed and defined me, but it died on the page. A rescue mutt with a torn right ear and a lust for squirrels that nearly knocked me off my feet was not my notion of a worthy subject. Casey seemed much too silly to be anywhere close to Important, yet silliness became a gateway to a new way of seeing and feeling. Laughter knocked the hard edges off me. I stopped taking myself so damn seriously, and in this lighter, brighter state I noticed everyday wonders that presented themselves on my walks with Casey. He sniffed, I looked. I met my neighbors, watched murals come to life, watched a bee at work inside a coreopsis. (Now I can name that flower. I couldn't, before Casey.)

To paraphrase Mary Oliver, the world offered itself to my imagination. I couldn't not write about this awakening. So I started posting vignettes and photos on Facebook. People connected with them. They asked me for more. I'd never had so much fun writing as I did inside that little rectangle on Facebook, capturing whatever came to mind without obsessing over target readers, editorial mix or any of the things that constrained me while I ran a magazine. I didn't know or care what I was doing except sharing delight, one moment at a time.

It was Kim Pittaway, my successor at Chatelaine and now director of the MFA program in creative nonfiction at the University of King's College, who said I had the makings of a book. Little by little, I realized these vignettes were asking a question: What is Importance, anyway? Why should presenting a strategic plan matter more than my daily adventures with Casey? Mary Oliver wrote, "The world offers itself to your imagination." I'd been looking the other way. No longer. I became a neighbor among neighbors, an animal among animals.

In the early pages of Starter Dog, you recall what a joyous experience it was for you to settle into the process of writing your first memoir—My Mother’s Daughter—after so many years of helping other writers to polish their own prose. Was the process of writing Starter Dog similarly joyous for you? What moments will you remember when you think back on the time when you were writing this book?

With My Mother's Daughter, I had something to prove. I had the chops to tell a story of my own instead of polishing someone else's into shape. That thrilled me, as if I'd pulled a sword from a stone. It had always been mine, yet I had never grasped my own powers. With Starter Dog, I had nothing to prove. Writing parts of it made me smile, or even laugh out loud at the transporting silliness of canine joy, which became my own joy. And yet Starter Dog was much harder to write than my first book. For the longest time (years!) I couldn't find a conflict to build the story around. No conflict, no story to keep the reader turning the pages. My first book gave me a foil: my adoring, formidable, controlling mother. Casey wasn't much of a foil, no matter how much trouble he got into. I was writing joy, and it felt like pinning clouds to the page. I missed the clarity of writing about struggle. The book came into focus when I saw that the foil was my own lifelong focus on achievement, drilled into me by high-achieving parents and reinforced in the magazine business.

Would younger you have been capable of taking a “Casey’s eye view” of the world? Would you have been ready for his masterclass in paying attention and really noticing the day-to-day wonders of life? Or did you need to grow into a different version of yourself—or step into a different life stage—to be ready to learn from this teacher?

Some people naturally turn toward happiness like a plant toward the sun. I'm not one of those people. I have a tendency to look for what should be better instead of what's beautiful and special as it already is. I was perfectly cast as an editor but not as a human animal walking this earth. In those days of "We need another rewrite" and "Let's have another run at this layout," I wasn't open to happiness lessons. It's often said that an addict has to hit bottom before resolving to change. Well, in a way I was addicted—to the quest for perfection, as if such a thing exists. I had to get deeply uncomfortable with myself before I could consider another way to be. I also needed a firm push from my husband, who had always wanted a dog and sensed that a dog would inject some fun into our lives. Love makes you do the damnedest things--like say yes to a goofball dog when what you think you want is something Important with a capital I.

Ann Douglas is the author of 26 non-fiction books including, most recently, Navigating The Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest and Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women (which was published in Canada last fall and will be published in the US on March 28, 2023. She is the “Midlife Reimagined” blogger for Psychology Today magazine. These days, she is trying to teach herself how to write her first novel.

An Open Letter to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

January 13, 2022

Dear Prime Minister Trudeau:

The last thing I feel like doing this evening is sitting in front of my computer, writing this email, but as much as I’d like to simply relax and enjoy my evening, I can’t. I keep thinking about how many of our fellow Canadians are struggling—really struggling—right now, as a result of the ongoing stress and strain posed by the COVID-19 pandemic. And I keep thinking of all the people in low-income countries who are dying because they lack access to life-saving vaccines.

It’s pretty clear to me that we as Canadians need to be doing everything in our power to reduce the likelihood of future variants upending our lives once again—not just for our own sakes, but for the sake of everyone.

Scientists have made it crystal clear that the only path out of this pandemic is to vaccinate the entire world. I cannot understand why Canada, a country that prides itself on being a good global citizen, has not yet ratified the World Trade Organization’s TRIPS waiver, which would allow member states to temporarily waive intellectual property rights related to urgently needed COVID-19 vaccines. As Doctors Without Borders has noted, “This measure has been continually blocked, opposed or simply delayed by many of the same wealthy countries who have already secured the vaccine doses they need — including Canada.”

Canada needs to do better. So much better. It needs to demonstrate the moral leadership needed in this moment by supporting the TRIPS waiver. I urge you and your government to demonstrate that leadership.

Sincerely,

Ann Douglas

Q & A with Lindsay Zier-Vogel, Author of LETTERS TO AMELIA

Lindsay Zier-Vogel, author of Letters to Amelia. Photo by Phillipa Croft.

I always love having the chance to get inside the head of another writer — and when that writer is a debut novelist, well, I have to say I find it all the more thrilling. I understand what’s involved in getting a non-fiction book out of your head and into the world, but imagining a novel into being? That seems like sheer magic to me.

I recently had the opportunity to chat with Lindsay Zier-Vogel about her own novel-writing process. I approached her after reading (and loving) her debut novel, Letters to Amelia, a few weeks ago. The novel is warm, kind, and entertaining. I sat down to read it one evening and realized, a couple of hours later, that I’d devoured most of the book in a single sitting and stayed up way past my bedtime. That’s how much I loved this book and I’m pretty sure you’ll love it, too.

Now on with my conversation with Lindsay….

ANN DOUGLAS: I love it when novelists allow themselves to go down research rabbits that transport their characters and their readers to a uniquely interesting place. Letters to Amelia invites the reader to tag along on a journey into the world of Amelia Earhart and the world of rare books. I don’t think I’ve ever read a novel that tackled one of these subjects, let alone both. Could you talk a bit about how these two things found their way into your novel? Were either or both long-standing interests of yours? (I kind of got the sense that they might have be.) By the way: I attended U of T, and I loved having a chance to revisit the Thomas Booker Rare Fish Library (the nickname the Thomas Fisher Rare Book Library had circa 1985 — a nickname that apparently lives on today) via your book!

LINDSAY ZIER-VOGEL: I fell in love with Amelia Earhart’s story many, many years ago after reading a terrible biography about her. I was so taken by the parts of her story that aren’t just her disappearance—that she was a social worker in Boston in the ’20s, that she spent years in Toronto (where she fell in love with flying!), that she started a clothing line. Fast forward a few years and I was travelling by myself for the first time. I was lonely in a way I had never experienced before and didn’t speak much Spanish, so I couldn’t have a meaningful conversation with anyone about it. I didn’t feel like these restless feelings I was having were appropriate for postcards home, so I started writing letters to Amelia Earhart. It was safe—she was clearly never going to write back—and I could explore these new feelings I was having without feeling guilty about them. And then every few years, whenever I was experiencing feelings I didn’t quite understand, I’d write another batch of letters to her. A lot of them were published, and though none of them made it into the book proper, this idea of writing letters to Amelia was something I’d been playing around with since 2005.

I fell in love with the Fisher during grad school, where I’d spend hours researching Dora Mavor Moore for my MA thesis. When the idea of a book began to form, I knew I wanted Grace to be surrounded by boxes of documents and photographs and letters. Selfishly, I wanted to spend more time there, and see the inner workings of the library. I got an incredible backstage tour from the incredibly generous John Shoesmith, and it was even better than I could’ve imagined! There were a lot nerdy rare book scenes about book conservation that ended up on the cutting room floor.

ANN DOUGLAS: This is your debut novel. Could you talk about what writing this novel taught you about the novel-writing process and/or yourself? What did you learn as a result of writing this book?

LINDSAY ZIER-VOGEL: I took a bunch of running starts at novel writing before Letters to Amelia, and though it was hard to shelve these projects I spent so many years on, they were crucial for me to learn how to write a novel. Not a particularly efficient learning curve, but also, it turns out, critical. I’ve realized that my process involves writing really, really terrible drafts—I overwrite like no one’s business—and then I spend a lot of time editing, and finding the story in the scads of Word docs I’ve created. I also started working with a writing group—the Semi-Retired Hens—in the early stages of the novel, and both having their insight and feedback, and also reading and offering feedback on their works-in-progress, has made me such a stronger writer. I don’t know what I’d do without them!

ANN DOUGLAS: You are clearly someone who loves both writing and receiving letters. And you’re also an author who is very gifted when it comes to writing dialogue. Do you think there’s a connection between the two? Do letter writing and dialogue have something in common?

LINDSAY ZIER-VOGEL: What a compliment! Thank you! Letter writing is so internal and private, thoughts made concrete on the page, where dialogue is the opposite—external, and voiced—so I’m not sure they’re directly related for me. Letters are one-sided, where dialogue requires an immediate back-and-forth. But for me, letter writing and writing dialogue share a deep commitment to voice—mine, as the letter writer, or the characters in the case of dialogue. When I receive a letter, I can instantly hear the writer’s voice, and I hope, I can achieve the same thing for readers with my dialogue.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. These days, she is hard at work on a book for and about women at midlife.