How to Help Kids Manage Feelings of Disappointment

Spring is usually a season of happy anticipation for kids—a time to celebrate the return of the warmer weather and to start making plans for summer. That’s how things play out in normal times—but it’s already becoming pretty clear that kids are going to be asked to do a lot of things differently this year; and that they might even have to miss out on certain types of spring and summer experiences entirely as we continue to practice physical distancing.

It’s tough enough to deal with these kinds of disappointments when you’re a grownup.

It can be even harder when you’re a kid.

Here are some tips on helping kids cope with feelings of disappointment and even sadness about what simply might not be possible this year.

Acknowledge and accept your child’s feelings

This is hard to do as a parent, because it means accepting that your child is in pain: acknowledging all those painful emotions and giving her permission to talk through her feelings with you. It’s also incredibly important. Your child needs to know that you are strong enough to handle any emotions she might care to share with you, no matter how big or how messy. And if you end up shedding a few tears together—well, that’s okay! Your heart will probably break a little as you listen to your child—but it will be breaking in a good kind of way: the way that leaves you feeling more connected than ever to your child.

What I’m talking about is responding with empathy (attempting to see the situation from your child’s point of view) and then validating your child’s emotions (letting your child know that her feelings make sense).

When you’re able to respond in this way, you encourage your child to sit with these uncomfortable emotions as opposed to trying to run from them or pretend they don’t exist.

That’s so much healthier for your child.

Then, once she’s had a chance to express her feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment, she will be able to start coming up with creative ways of dealing with the situation—of finding a way to make a bad situation a little less terrible.

Recognize that some kids will have a harder time coping with disappointment than others

Learning how to manage disappointment is a skill—and a skill that doesn’t come naturally or easily to every child. The way we develop a social-emotional skill like this is through practice; and with the support of another person.

The most important thing you can do right now is to be that strong, caring person for your child: to help her to work through these feelings of disappointment and to help her to recognize the importance of turning to other people for support in times of struggle. Because even the most crushing of disappointments becomes a little more bearable if you can ask someone else for help in shouldering that burden.

Understand what allows children to be resilient

Most of us do manage to recover from even the most crushing of disappointments. (Scientists have discovered that most of us have a baseline level of happiness that we return to relatively quickly after experiencing something really great or truly terrible—and, yes, it works both ways.) But in terms of what allows children to be resilient, it’s all about relationships. Children learn how to be resilient as a result of being in a caring relationship with a resilient adult. And if that resilient adult feels supported by the broader community—well, that’s where the resiliency magic really kicks in!

It can be helpful to give kids a peek behind the curtain: to share some of the strategies you are using to manage your own feelings of disappointment and to find ways to bounce back from those disappointments. In addition to modelling your own resilience and coping skills in real time, it can also be useful to share stories about times you yourself were faced with a particularly crushing disappointment, back when you were a kid. The fact that you’re still standing here today will be living proof that it’s possible to weather these kinds of disappointments, no matter how terrible they feel at the time.

Kids need to know that they can learn to manage their feelings of disappointment—and that the process does get easier over time and with practice. And when you witness their resilience, be sure to shine a spotlight on it. Encourage them to notice and celebrate their growing ability to cope with life’s curveballs. Because that’s definitely worth celebrating.

Ann Douglas is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and the author of numerous books about parenting.

Ann Douglas is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and the author of numerous books about parenting, including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. In recent weeks, she has been hosting a series of online events on parenting in the midst of a pandemic. She has also launched two new video series: A Postcard from Ann Douglas and We Got This! Parent Support During COVID-19 with child psychiatrist Dr. Jean Clinton.

Why Social Distancing Can Be Hard for Teens (and What Parents Can Do to Make It A Little Easier)

Most of us have accepted the fact that social distancing is going to be our new normal for at least the foreseeable future. That doesn’t mean that we’re liking it (how’s that for an understatement!), but we’ve demonstrated our willingness to make some short-term sacrifices for the long-term good. In other words, we’ve stepped up by deciding to do the socially responsible thing — for ourselves, for our families, and for our communities. But it’s definitely not easy.

If you’re the parent of a teenager, you may have found the past few weeks exceptionally challenging. Not only has the public health advice about social distancing evolved significantly over time: there’s also been a lot of misinformation circulating online about what social distancing actually involves. It’s not about hosting a small get-together at your house or scheduling a lot of one-on-one get-togethers with friends. It’s about limiting the amount of face-to-face contact with other human beings: the exact opposite of what humans (and teens in particular) are wired to do.

Add to that the fact that your teenager is at a developmental stage where they’re likely to reject rather than welcome a lot of parental advice and, well, you can see that the struggle is real. You’re going to need strategies and patience—tons and tons of patience—to navigate these challenges with your teen. Here are a few tips on minimizing power struggles and maximizing your connection to one another.

Understand what teens crave most at this stage of their development: recognition for their growing autonomy. They’ll tune you out entirely if they feel like you’re talking down to them, telling them things they already know, or treating them like they’re little kids. So when you’re communicating with your teenager about the need for social distancing (which, by the way, public health authorities are now calling “physical distancing” in recognition of the fact that we don’t want to limit all social contact, just face-to-face contact), talk with them, not at them. Ask them what they’re hearing from friends and reading online and help them to make sense of all that information. Get them involved in solving the problem that is social distancing. Encourage them to come up with creative solutions for staying connected to their friends and finding meaning in this moment; and then ask what you can to support them in those efforts, like loosening up the normal family limits on smartphone use, for example.

Try not to overreact to any annoying behaviours your teen might be exhibiting right now. When people are under stress, they don’t always communicate their needs or manage their emotions in the most effective ways. (And, of course, this applies to parents as well as teens!) If your teen lashes out at you and says something nasty or rude, take a breath and give yourself a moment to choose how you want to respond. In other words, calm yourself—then calm your teen. When you feel like you’re ready to continue the conversation, challenge yourself to look beyond the annoying behaviour and to consider what your teen is actually trying to tell you. Ask yourself “What is really going on here and what does my teen actually need from me right now?”

Help your teen to process all the emotions they are likely to be experiencing. One of the most powerful things we can do to support another person is to validate their emotions, which simply means telling that person that their feelings make sense. Think of how great it feels when someone in your life does this for you. Instead of rushing in to solve your problem or offering a lot of unsolicited advice, they simply say, “I understand why you feel that way. That makes so much sense to me.” It feels so good to be seen, heard, and understood.

Don’t be afraid to make some tough calls when it comes to keeping your teen and the rest of the family and community safe. Your teen is counting on you to do this and will actually (grudgingly) acknowledge that you do have jurisdiction in this area. When I was researching my book Happy Parents, Happy Kids, I came across some fascinating research about this. Apparently, the very same teenager who tells you that you have absolutely no business offering them unsolicited advice about how to resolve a conflict with a friend or who will flip out completely if they think you’ve been snooping in their room will actually (grudgingly) listen to what you say if you’re doing the kind of thing that a parent is expected to do—like looking out for their health and wellbeing. You can use that information to your advantage, both for social good (encouraging social distancing) and for relationship good (by continuing to build upon the bond between you and your teen).

Try to keep your big-picture parenting goals in mind.

Keep your big-picture parenting goals in mind. At some point, we’re going to come out the other side of this emergency. And, when we do, we want our relationships with our kids to be as strong and healthy as possible. So as you’re making parenting decisions during this extremely challenging time, try to keep your big-picture parenting goals in mind. Ask yourself what memories you want your teen to carry with them from this moment. Maybe you want them to remember that they were able to turn to you for support and encouragement at a time when they were feeling uncertain and afraid. Maybe you want them to remember the way you validated their emotions and acknowledged how hard this is—for them and for you. Maybe you want them to remember the way you helped them to hold on to a sense of hope and to look for opportunities to stay connected to and to make a difference for others. And maybe you want them to remember times of fun and laughter—random, unscripted moments that helped to buoy everyone’s spirits. Reflecting on those kinds of hopes and dreams will make it easier for you to parent in a way that you can feel good about, both now and for many years to come.

Give yourself permission to be a gloriously imperfect parent. You’re going to make mistakes—and you can get your relationship with your teen back on track. Treat yourself with kindness and remember to extend that same spirit of kindness to your teen. Self-compassion and a willingness to do the hard work of relationship repair mean everything at a time like this. Parenting is ultimately about empathy—recognizing that it’s hard to be the parent and it’s hard to be the kid. And right now, everything is so much harder than usual. But we can get through these tough times and so can our teens—and we can emerge stronger and more connected than ever before when we finally come out the other side.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio. During the pandemic, she is volunteering to host and co-host a series of free online events for parents, in partnership with other leading parent and child health organizations.

Lessons Learned from a House Fire: On Taming Your Anxiety and Coping When Life is Uncertain

On Father’s Day 2015, we experienced a house fire. Everything in our lives changed in an instant. We found ourselves forced to come to terms with a rapidly shifting reality and to move forward without any sense of when things might begin to return to something even remotely resembling normal.

On the day of the fire — when the house was still smouldering.

Sound familiar? I’ll bet it does—because the situation that we’re dealing with right now is, in fact, remarkably similar.

We’re being forced to adjust to a rapidly changing world and to cope with the uncertainty that comes from not knowing what the future may hold for ourselves, the people we care about, the wider community, and the rest of the world.

It’s a lot.

After spending much of the past week trying to manage my own initially sky-high levels of anxiety, I started to look for ways to try to make things better (or at least a little less awful) for other people. Because I’m a writer, I landed on the idea of sharing stories about what I’ve learned about coming through times of struggle. (Spoiler alert: I’ve been through a lot and I’ve managed to come out the other side.)

I’ll be continuing to share other stories during the days and weeks ahead, but in this initial post, I’m going to highlight the specific strategies that proved to be most helpful to my family in allowing us to cope during an extremely scary and uncertain time. In other words, here’s the best advice from my family to yours on getting through the days and weeks to come.

Accept the fact that things are going to be uncertain for a while.

Uncertainly is one of my least favourite things. I really, really hate it. I find it incredibly difficult to cope with uncertainty and I’m pretty sure you do, too. I desperately want answers to questions that are unanswerable right now—or at least in any honest and meaningful way. How long will the current social distancing measures be required? What will be the final toll of this pandemic? What will our lives and communities look like when we come out the other side? At this point, the answer to most of those questions is that we simply don’t know and we probably won’t know for a while. Accepting that is an important first step.

Acknowledge and accept all your emotions.

Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings. Trying to talk yourself out of your feelings or trying to ignore those feelings doesn’t magically make those feelings go away. It simply drives those emotions underground or causes the emotion to get expressed in other ways that could make life so much harder for you.

Seek support from others.

You don’t have handle this on your own. As humans, we’re wired to turn to one another for support. So seek support from others and be willing to offer support to others. When your emotional well is empty, seek replenishment. When you feel like you have an abundance of emotional energy, dip into that well and use it to replenish others.

Pare down your worry list to the bare essentials.

Some things are worth worrying about right now; other things are not. Try to maximize your emotional bandwidth by zeroing in on what matters most in this moment and what is actually within your control right now. Try to put the rest of your worries on the back burner.

Take a gratitude inventory.

Take stock of the good things in your life: the things you can feel grateful for right now. Yes, things are incredibly stressful right now—and, yes, there’s also a lot to feel grateful about. This isn’t just a feel-good exercise, by the way. There is a huge (and growing) body of research to demonstrate the benefits of activating your sense of gratitude. As I explain in my most recent book Happy Parents, Happy Kids:

“People who experience gratitude more often are less anxious and less depressed. They sleep better at night. They have better social and emotional skills and healthier relationships, at least in part because they’re more likely to do kind things for other people when they feel grateful for the kind things other people have done for them. They feel an increased sense of meaning and purpose in their lives. And they find it easier to bounce back from life’s curveballs. Gratitude acts as a buffer against negative events and stressful experiences by encouraging you to treat difficult experiences as opportunities for growth.”

So there’s that….

Identify the strategies you’ve used to weather other challenging situations in the past.

Unless you’ve led a truly charmed life, you’ve no doubt encountered some challenges and figured out a way to work through them. Maybe you’re a great problem solver—someone who is able to look at a problem that has other people completely baffled and zero in on a really creative solution. Maybe you’re the kind of person who is able to radiate a sense of calm in a moment when other people are coming completely unglued! (I long for that superpower.) Maybe you’re good at reaching out for support and offering support to others.

When people sing your praises, what kinds of things do they say about you? What kinds of strengths do they spotlight? How might you leverage those strengths during this time of struggle?

Focus on finding meaning in this moment.

Look for opportunities to make things better for other people—people who may be having a much tougher time than you. Challenge yourself to find all kinds of creative ways of contributing to the common good. The more we can invest in our collective humanity, the stronger and healthier our world will be when we emerge from this difficult time. We have an unprecedented opportunity to plant the seeds for a happy, healthier, more just, and more compassionate world. Let’s do our best to start spreading those seeds.

After the house was repaired (Fall 2015).

* * *

So there you have it: some advice from my family to yours. I’m going to continue to write about getting through times of struggle during the days and weeks ahead. If you’d like to be notified of future posts, just sign up for one of my three newsletters (or all three, if you’d like). Or follow me on social media (Twitter | Facebook | Instagram).

And if there is something in particular you’d like me to write about, please leave me a note in the comments section below. (Yesterday’s post about sleep strategies was the direct result of requests I received via social media. I’m happy to continue to create content in response to what the community needs right now.)

How to Help Yourself and Your Kids Get the Sleep You Need Right Now

Some practical advice on getting the sleep you need during an extraordinarily worrisome time and on helping your kids to do the same. This material was adapted from my most recent book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids.

It’s an inconvenient truth: our bodies need sleep. No matter how desperately we try, we can’t wish that fact away. It’s particularly important to stay on top of sleep when we’re carrying a heavy stress burden, as all of us are right now. Bottom line? Missing out on sleep will only make an already tough situation even tougher.

Here’s why:

When we’re sleep-deprived our emotions are more volatile. Not only do we have more difficulty managing our emotions when we’re sleep-deprived, but those emotions tend to skew negative. The parts of the brain that are associated with the processing of fear are 60 per cent more reactive, which means that we’re more likely to feel anxious or angry.

We feel like we’re running on empty. Less sleep means less energy and less staying power. That crushing feeling of fatigue makes life so much harder. Is it any wonder that so many of us try to compensate for our lack of sleep by boosting our energy in other less helpful ways, like ramping ourselves up with caffeine and diving into a sea of carbs?

We’re more distracted. When we’re sleep-deprived, it’s harder to focus. Not only does our motivation take a hit: we’re also less alert, which increases our risk of injury. That risk increases exponentially depending on how much sleep you’ve missed. You’re 4.3 times more likely to have a car accident if you’ve had five hours of sleep or less, and if you’ve had four hours or less, that risk factor skyrockets to a mind-blowing 11.5 times.

Our health may take a hit, too. Lack of sleep affects the immune system, meaning that you’re more likely to get sick and it will take you longer to recover.

The good news is that there are things we can do to help ourselves and our kids get the sleep that we need right now.

We can…..

Make sleep a priority. Treat it as a necessity, not a frill. Recognize it for what it is: the glue that holds everything else together. Yes, life is uncertain and unpredictable right now, but that doesn’t mean we should overlook the importance of sleep.

Practice good sleep hygiene. This means creating a sleep environment that is sleep-enhancing—think cool, quiet, and dark—and developing bedtime habits that encourage, rather than discourage, sleep, such as avoiding melatonin-suppressing blue light from screens, not eating too close to bedtime, limiting caffeine intake during the day, and avoiding alcohol at bedtime because it results in poorer quality, less restorative sleep. It also means maintaining consistent sleep patterns from day to day: getting out of bed at roughly the same time each morning and resisting the temptation to nap indiscriminately throughout the day—unless, of course, you’re the parent of a brand new baby, in which case indiscriminate napping is definitely encouraged.

Help your body to feel sleepy at just the right time. Be sure to get exposure to daylight first thing in the morning so that your circadian rhythms stay on track, get adequate physical activity during the day so that your body is physically tired at bedtime, minimize caffeine intake so your body is actually ready to wind down when your head hits the pillow, avoid screens in the hour or two before you go to bed (or use screen settings and apps to limit your exposure to blue light), and skip that sleep-disrupting nightcap.

In addition to taking care of these basics, there are a few additional tricks you can try if you find yourself struggling to get or stay asleep.

First, take a hot bath an hour or two before you want to head to bed. Taking a hot bath causes your blood vessels to dilate, causing heat to be radiated away from your body core. This, in turn, causes your core body temperature to drop, cueing sensations of sleepiness.

Second, dump your worries. Writing a detailed to-do list before you head off to bed isn’t just an effective way to clear your brain of worries at bedtime; it’s also a proven way to help yourself fall asleep more quickly, according to research conducted at Baylor University. So, get those worries out of your head—and out of your bed—and onto a piece of paper.

Third, choose bedtime reading that will leave you feeling less anxious, not more anxious, once your head hits the pillow. Think soothing bedtime stories, not the breaking news headlines. And if your mind is still racing, experiment with techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, positive visualization, and listening to sleep stories and/or relaxing music to gently guide your restless brain in the direction of sleep.

Finally, try not to fixate on all the sleep you’re not getting. If you wake up at three in the morning and you’re having a hard time getting back to sleep, try to resist the temptation to mentally calculate the number of hours remaining until you have to drag yourself out of bed and to start obsessing about that. Replace what sleep scientists refer to as negative sleep thoughts—“I can’t believe I’m still awake! I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow!”—with more positive sleep thoughts—“I may not be able to get back to sleep right away, but I can lie here and rest and think calming thoughts, even if I’m not fully asleep.” You’ll find it easier to do this if you remind yourself that there are things you can do to boost your energy and improve your ability to cope even if you don’t manage to get as much sleep as you’d like. Eating a protein-rich breakfast will help you feel more alert. The quick energy blast from a bowl of carbs might be tempting, but it won’t deliver the energy staying power that protein can provide. Fitting in some light to moderate physical activity will not only give you energy during the day, it will also contribute to better sleep the next night. It’s a total win-win.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio.

The Joy of Random Occasions

I’m a big fan of random occasions as opposed to “official” holidays that tend to be steeped in all kinds of expectations.

If I surprise you with a gift, it’s likely going to be to mark one of these non-occasions: and it’s probably going to be something creative or quirky as opposed to something practical or anything even remotely resembling one-size-fits-all.

One of my favourite spots for scooping up these kinds of treasures is Watson & Lou: an indie arts store in downtown Peterborough that also happens to be a passionate champion for local artists. Here are just a few of the treasures I spotted the last time I visited their store, along with a few notes about who in your life might like to be on the receiving end of just such a gift….

Note: This is not a sponsored blog post. It’s a from-the-heart fan girl tribute for an indie retailer I just happen to adore. I initially drafted the post a few weeks back, right before the world turned upside down. I thought about holding off on publishing it until things go back to normal (whatever that means), but I decided to go ahead and publish it now. Watson & Lou announced today that it will continue to offer online shopping during the weeks ahead and that it’s also adding local delivery (with a cool fundraising element) as an option. So while you can’t visit the store right now, you can still bring a little Watson & Lou magic into your life — magic that’s needed more than ever.

For your friend who appreciates whimsical, homemade gifts: a gift tag* to dress up that delicious batch of tea biscuits you just whipped up. (Yum!)

Watson and Lou: Beth Callon of Flowers to the People (Peterborough) and Rachel Dyck of The Critter Co. (Peterborough), $3-12.
* Technically, it’s a vinyl sticker, but I think it would make an awesome reusable gift tag.

For your friend the artist — who often isn’t paid even a fraction of what she is worth, but who contributes so much to the world.

Watson and Lou: Jackie Lee Art (Toronto), $12.

For your friend the journalist, who performs heroic acts of public service by upholding the facts in a time of fake news.

Watson and Lou: H. Elizabeth Laneville of Pastel Polly (Peterborough), $15.

For your BFF — or your BFF’s child — or some other random little person in your life: a stuffed mini-goddess.

Watson & Lou: Mini Goddesses by Sierra Carreau (Peterborough), $35-53.

For your friend the activist, who would love to have some help washing all those revolutionary dishes.

Watson & Lou: Anna Eidt of Lou Brown Vintage (Peterborough), $32.

For that friend who would benefit from a visual reminder of the pep talk you give her each time the two of you get together.

Watson & Lou: Jeffrey Macklin of Jackson Creek Press (Peterborough), $60.

For that friend who is going places — and who needs a cool bag to carry with her.

Watson and Lou: Emerance Baker of Stoney Lake Textiles (Duoro-Dummer), $85.

So there you have it: just a few of the one-of-a-kind gift ideas that caught my eye while I was hanging out at Watson & Lou on a blustery February day. Their stock is constantly changing, so the item I fell in love with may have disappeared by the time you browse the website. But don’t despair! It will no doubt have been replaced by something just as fabulous.