Ann and Kim's Amazing Back-to-School Adventure

Wondering what you can do to make this the best possible school year for yourself and your child (to say nothing of your child’s teacher, too)? We’ve got a roundup of practical, parent-proven suggestions to pass along—a straightforward and simple five-step back-to-school plan. 

And just in case you're wondering who the "we" is (because I usually write the content on this blog on my own), I teamed up with Kim Peterson to create the content for this special back-to-school parenting guide. Kim is one of the co-creators of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap. If you're following her on Twitter, you already know what an amazing source of support and information she is for parents who have a child with special needs.

But enough about us! You’re here to pick up some tips on minimizing the stress of back-to-school. Here is our quick-and-easy 5-step plan for making the most of this fun-but-busy time of year. (And, if you'd prefer to listen in on the audio version of this conversation, you'll find it right here via SoundCloud.)

Step One: Get Connected

Connect with your child. Start out by having a back-to-school conversation with your child. Find out what's on his mind as he thinks ahead to the coming school year. What is he looking forward to? Does he have any worries/concerns? Is there anything you could be talking about or working through together?

Connect with his teacher. Make contact with your child’s teacher as soon as possible during the school year—sooner, if you can swing it. Let her know that you’re eager to work with her to make this a great school year for all concerned. Provide her with a one-page document highlighting strategies that work well with your child and providing her with other need-to-know information upfront. It’s great to be able to make a connection with the teacher and to identify some common ground as early in the school year as possible.

Connect with your community. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support that child’s parent. Tap into some of that support for yourself so that you can continue to be a powerful advocate on behalf of your child. "Build your support circle," says Kim. "Become familiar with your school board’s SEAC (Special Education Advisory Committee), parent council, SERT (Special Education Resource Teacher), principal, teachers, educational assistant, education advocates, doctors, therapists, school parents’ association, and so on." And don't try to carry all this information around in your head. Write it down so that you can access it quickly and easily when you need it. 

Step Two: Get Organized

Start out by organizing yourself. Don't leave all your back-to-school preparation to the last minute. That will only add to your stress level. Instead, chip away at the various items on your back-to-school to do list (picking up back-to-school supplies; visiting the school) at a more manageable pace. And be sure to set aside some time to create or update a binder that will allow you to advocate effectively for your child. Be sure to include copies of your child's IEP, treatment plans, communication logs (documenting your various conversations with treatment providers and/or your child's school) as well as a copy of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap. 

Then help your child to get organized, too. Help your child to adjust to the before-school and after-school routines before he is faced with the first day of school. Walk through the routine on a regular basis during the final weeks of summer holidays so that he'll know what to expect when the school year actually begins. Doing this can help to ease the anxiety your child may be experiences as he transitions to something new. "Consider making a visual schedule to hang up on the refrigerator so that everyone in the house is aware," suggests Kim. "You can also create a social story if your child responds to that better." You might also want to set aside time to visit the schoolyard, to allow your child to start to feel familiar with that environment, and/or to reconnect with schoolmates and arrange a few playdates in the lead-up to school.

Step Three: Get Calm

Get calm yourself and then help your child to get and stay calm, too. Kim suggests practicing mindfulness ("Having a clear, positive mind is what you need to start the new school year") and making self-care a priority for yourself and your child. Her best advice? Make a self-care wall to outline strategies that work for you when you're feeling anxious, exhausted, or depressed. Better yet, map out some of these strategies on a document you can carry with you in your smartphone or in your agenda so that you can tap into these strategies when (not if!) the going gets tough. And do the same for your child, too. Help him to identify the strategies that work best for him and then figure out how he can access these strategies in a flash when he needs them.

Step Four: Get Pumped

The start of a new school year is an exciting time—and you’ll find it easier to cope with any curveballs if you embark on the year in a positive state of mind. That means feeling confident about your ability to support and advocate on your child's behalf. And it means committing to do the hard work of relationship maintenance.

First of all, it's important to own the expertise that you possess as your child's parent: to recognize that you are the true expert when it comes to your child. Don’t be afraid to share your best insights into and observations about what will work best for him at school out of some misguided fear that you have less expertise to offer than your child's teachers. Don’t sell yourself short. Recognize that you have a deep knowledge and understanding of your child that can benefit your child’s teachers (and him) in all kinds of ways.

Secondly, model good problem-solving and relationship maintenance skills for your child. Curveballs are inevitable. It’s all about knowing how to handle them. That means teaching your child how to respond to frustrations in ways that encourage other people to want to help him: assuming the best of the other person, taking a solutions-orienting approach, asking for help/support from others, and so on. Remind yourself (and him) that relationships take work: and that preventing problems is preferable to having to manage the fallout after the fact. Keep the lines of communication open, express appreciation, and try to anticipate and head off problems. When problems do arise, deal with them early (as opposed to allowing them to snowball) and, if a relationship hits a rough spot, commit to doing the hard work involved in relationship repair. 

Step Five: Get Informed

Commit to learning more. Expose yourself to as much information as you can about dealing with your child’s challenges and capitalizing upon his strengths. Knowledge is power! Download a copy of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap. Pick up a copy of Ann's book Parenting Through the Storm (a guide to parenting a child who is struggling). And tap into the countless other resources available to you as the parent of a child who has special needs. You don't have to do this on your own. 
 

Is there a tip you’d like to share with us—so that we can then share it with other parents? Is there a resource you think other parents would want to know about? Is there a topic you'd like us to tackle in a future blog post or audio tip sheet? Let us know. We'd love to hear from you.
 

Ann Douglas is a mom of four and the author of numerous books about parenting including, most recently, Parenting Through the Storm. She is also CBC Radio’s weekend parenting columnist. She shares parenting and mental health resources on Twitter @anndouglas.

Kim Peterson is a mom of two including a child with autism. She is also one of the co-creators of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap which has been downloaded over 70,000 times since it was released two years ago. She's also the brains behind the very popular @ONTSpecialNeeds Twitter account. 

How to Savour What's Left of Summer

Turning the calendar page to August is a poignant reminder that summer won’t last forever. In just a few short weeks, we’ll all be diving into the hurricane that is back to school. So how do you make the most of these final few weeks of summer? How do you fill them with the kinds of memories that you'll want to look back on in months and years to come? Here are a few tips.

Revisit your summer wish list

Remember that list you made (on a piece of paper or maybe even just in your head), back when summer was just a vague and abstract idea: how you came up with a list of all the things you swore you would do this summer? Well, there’s no time like the present to revisit that list and to zero in on the things that matter most. Maybe it’s taking a day trip to an area attraction or planning an out-of-town getaway to visit friends and family members for a weekend. Or maybe it’s simply deciding that you want to spend more time having fun together as a family, here at home. Sometimes the most ordinary events get translated into the most spectacular memories, after all.

Be spontaneous

Find yourself with an unexpected block of time? Seize the moment and do something spontaneous and fun. Toss around a Frisbee. Head to the park. Whip up something delicious and decadent on the backyard grill. It’s amazing what a difference just an hour or two of unanticipated joy can make in your life and your kids’ lives, too. It's a chance to really connect with your kids in a powerful and far-reaching way.

Create time

Are there some tasks you could put off until fall so that you can make the most of summer? The basement will still be there to organize come September or October, but the lakes and rivers won’t be warm enough to swim in anymore. Here’s an idea: think about hitting the pause button on social media, if only for a couple of hours or a day at a time. Social media is great—but it can be all-encompassing. Don’t be afraid to unplug from technology temporarily so that you can plug into other opportunities and experiences instead. Give yourself and your kids the chance to harvest a few more summer memories by making intentional choices about how you’re choosing to use your time.

Savour the moment

When you’re having an amazing time with your kids, pause to really drink in every detail of that moment. Imagine that you’re trying to download this moment into your brain. Don’t be afraid to take a snapshot or two to capture the moment. Reflecting on a photo of this special moment can, after all, help you to relive it down the road. But don’t allow the act of taking photos to interfere with your enjoyment of the here and now. (Yes, it’s a fine line.) You can squeeze more joy out of each and every moment by learning to anticipate, savour, and then remember that moment. (Do the math: we’re talking three times the fun.)

So there you have it: some practical advice on making the most of these final days of summer. And if you do decide to put one of these tips into action, let me know. I'd love to hear how things worked out for you. 
 

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about parenting, including, most recently Parenting Through the Storm. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and a mom of four.

The Truth About Helicopter Parenting

Note: I discussed the latest research on helicopter parenting in a roundup of interviews for CBC Radio radio stations across the country Monday morning. Here's a link to one of those interviews -- with Susan McReynolds of Ontario Morning. (You want the Monday, July 4, 2016 episode. And the interview begins at the 27 minute mark of the podcast.)

There's a new study about helicopter parenting making the rounds this week, which means we're going to be seeing a lot of over-the-top news headlines for at least the next little while. Because, hey, if there's one thing the media loves, it's a story about helicopter parenting....

Here's the thing that the news headlines typically overlook: helicopter parenting is actually a fairly rare phenomenon (a fact that the authors of this most recent study readily acknowledge, too).

Sure, most of us can think of at least one parent we know who could be described as a helicopter parent (someone who is overly intrusive and/or psychologically controlling; who quashes rather than celebrates their child’s independence, leading him to feel less rather than more competent and confident), but that parent is the exception rather than the rule.

The majority of parents engage in what the researchers describe as autonomy-supportive parenting: parenting that supports and encourages the growing independence of their child, adolescent, or young adult. There's a good reason for that. It makes sense developmentally (parenting is all about preparing your offspring for eventual independence). And it's a style of parenting that leads to healthier outcomes for so-called emerging adults: increased life satisfaction, improved health (including reduced rates of depression), and stronger coping skills.

So if you happen to spot an alarmist news report about helicopter parenting, try to put the research into perspective by reminding yourself that the supposed epidemic of helicopter parenting is anything but. And don't let fear of being perceived as a helicopter parent cause you to take an overly hands-off approach with your kid. Having a parent who is actively involved in your life can be beneficial -- even for an emerging adult.

Ultimately, what this all comes down to is the advantages of parenting intuitively: of observing your child, noting what she is capable of at any given stage, and encouraging her growing independence. That means encouraging her to try new things so that she can develop a strong sense of who she is and what she is capable of -- and it means recognizing and accepting the fact that there will be a few inevitable stumbles along the way. Help her to understand that your love and support are completely unconditional.  She doesn’t have to be perfect. She doesn’t have to be afraid to try new things for fear of failing. It’s okay to take chances because that’s how we learn and grow. And if she hits a rough spot where she needs a bit of extra encouragement and support, that’s okay. That’s why she has you. She may be all grown up now, but you're still in her court. Always have been. Always will be. That's not hovering: that's caring and connecting. And that's what parenting is all about.

• Interview on this topic with CBC Radio's Ontario Morning (the interview is in the Monday, July 4, 2016 episode of the podcast and begins at the 27 minute mark).

RELATED READ:

Curious about what's behind all the recent parent blaming and parent shaming?

I shared a few thoughts on the phenomenon in this article for the July-August 2016 issue of The Monitor: "Why the media loves to bash parents." You'll find it on page 24. Download your free copy here.

Summer Reading: The Big Book of Nature Activities

Me as a toddler, exploring the wonders of nature at the family cottage.

Review of The Big Book of Nature Activities by Drew Monkman and Jacob Rodenburg. New Society Publishers, 2016. Paperback. 352 pages. Fully illustrated. $39.95.

My earliest—and happiest—childhood memories are of times spent in nature:  accompanying my dad on walks in the woods at the family cottage, collecting and pressing wildflowers with my grandmother, and heading into the marsh behind our suburban home to make forts with other kids from around the neighborhood. It was all about freedom (to make my own fun) and discovery (the chance to experience any number of untold wonders for myself).

In recent years, scientists have begun to document the countless ways that spending time in nature benefits children physically, mentally, and spiritually. But, of course, it’s one thing to know that spending time in nature is good for your child. It’s quite another to come up with strategies to convince him to ditch the electronic devices and head outdoors.

Fortunately, there’s a way to sidestep the potential standoff between technology and nature. Simply invite the gadgets along. Whether it’s taking photos, making videos, or keeping an electronic journal of discoveries made in nature, your child will find all kinds of ways to put his technology to use on your family nature adventure. As Drew Monkman and Jacob Rodenburg note in their brand new book, The Big Book of Nature Activities (New Society Publishers, 2016), “Although it might seem counter-intuitive, there are actually many ways in which digital technology can inspire people of all ages to get moving, exploring, and enjoying nature. Sharing through social media, and the feedback from others that often follows, can keep the outdoor experience alive for days or weeks.”

Once your child has the opportunity to experience the wonders of nature first-hand, he’ll be more included to want to unplug from the wired world. Of course, you can be a powerful role model on this front by parking your smartphone, too. “Take the time to unplug and savor the natural world, with no filter for your senses, Monkman and Rodenburg recommend. “As someone once noted, ‘There may not be any Wi-Fi in the forest, but I promise you’ll find a better connection.'”

About the Book

Looking for ways to pique your child’s curiosity about nature? The Big Book of Nature Activities is jam-packed with child-friendly crafts, games, and projects designed to promote a connection with the natural world. Make a fish viewer. Create a batch of wildflower perfume. Or try your hand at Citizen Science (when everyday citizens act as the eyes and ears of scientists, collecting crucial data about the natural world). You’ll find four seasons’ worth of ideas and inspiration in this practical and accessible guide.  

Reviewed by Ann Douglas

It's Okay to Say No -- or "Not Right Now"

Feeling maxed out? Wish someone would write you a permission note that you could politely present to anyone who even dares to think about demanding anything more of you right now?

Consider this blog post that note of permission: confirmation that it's okay to say no or (at a minimum) "not right now."

You're not being selfish.

You're engaging in self-preservation.

And that's one of the least selfish things you can do as the parent of a child who is struggling. 

I got to thinking about these things after speaking to a friend this morning -- a friend who is having a really hard time. The load she is carrying at the best of times is a heavy one -- and her load just got a whole lot heavier. The only way she's going to get through the next few weeks is by saying "no" vehemently and often.

But, here's the thing: sometimes we default to saying yes even though we need to say no, both for our own sakes and for the sakes of other people we love.

I recently had the opportunity to discuss the how and why of saying no with another friend of mine, Susan Newman, psychologist and author of The Book of No.

I asked her to talk about why it's so important to master the art of saying no when you have a child who is struggling. 

Here are the highlights of that conversation.

Why is it so critical that parents who have a child who is struggling master the art of saying no?

So much of your time, worry, and emotional energy automatically focus on a child who is struggling with an illness of any sort—be it physical or mental. Saying no for a parent is a form of self-protection and psychological survival…and ultimately a boon to your child’s wellbeing. 

There are times when even you need a break—a few hours to spend with friends, to connect with your partner, or to be with yourself quietly. A no to whatever the demand or request often gives you that time to decompress, think through problems and essentially shore up the inner resources you need to handle whatever comes next and make good decisions for your child. 

A further benefit of saying no specifically to your child is that you gain the child’s respect and eventually his trust. A no tells him, especially when the outcome is positive, that you have his or her best interests at heart.

What happens when we don’t say no often enough — or we talk ourselves into saying yes, even though our heart is telling us we really need to be saying no?

When you don’t say no as frequently as you should or would like, you begin to feel as if you have no control over events or your child. That can begin to feel overwhelming and all consuming. More often than not a parent’s instincts are correct. If you feel you should be saying no, then you probably should.

By avoiding nos you run the risk of losing yourself and feeling trapped, at the mercy of your child who is dealing with her own problems. You could find yourself unable to cope and being out of control yourself can leave you unable to manage the situation, be sympathetic, or clear-headed enough to find the resources you need or make good choices for your son or daughter. 

What are our biggest fears about saying no — and what can we do to address those fears?

One of the biggest fears is that a no will make the situation of the moment worse or that your child will be upset and resort to the very behaviors or feelings we are trying to avoid. When your nos are used judiciously and couched in terms of what might be a solution or comfort or empathy, the nos will likely be more accepted without a long lasting downside.

Perhaps the biggest fear for all parents is that our child will not like or love us. When you factor in that most parents don’t want to disappoint their children—common thinking today—refusing a child becomes all the more difficult. The reality is that whatever you say no to will probably be forgotten in next hour or so—even a few minutes later with younger children. Nos said kindly while acknowledging a child’s disappointment or anger, will not jeopardize your relationship with your child. 

In what ways is saying no an act of kindness to yourself — and to others, too?

Each of us had only so much physical and emotional energy. Well-placed, strategic nos help to conserve energy so it’s available when you need it. Saying no to a request or conduct you disapprove of will hopefully keep you calm and better able to address and cope with your child’s issues. 

Amazingly, the word no is freeing: it “buys” you precious time and keeps the boundaries you set for yourself, for your child and others secure; it teaches children, especially those with a mental challenge that there are rules that need to be followed, conduct that is expected. No is powerful in the positive developments it often helps to create, allowing you to work toward the solutions you seek. That can only feel good. Being kind to yourself is in the end the same as being kind to and supportive of your child.

Looking for additional insights into the joys and challenges of a parenting a child who is struggling? Find out more about my book Parenting Through the Storm.