Mindful Parenting

Ann Douglas, author of Parenting Through the Storm, explores the mental health benefits (to you and your child) of making conscious and deliberate parenting choices.

Your four year old is having a meltdown in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. You’re feeling frustrated and embarrassed. If only there were an escape key you could hit to remove yourself from this situation just long enough to regain your cool….

Guess what? There is a way to hit the parenting pause button before you say or do something you might regret later on. It’s called mindful parenting and it is one of the most powerful and effective techniques I know for dealing with the day-to-day frustrations of parenting.

Mindful parenting is all about making conscious and deliberate parenting choices—as opposed to reacting without thinking (something that can happen pretty easily when your mind is being flooded with emotion). 

According to a group of psychologists from the University of California, San Francisco, and Pennsylvania State University who have researched mindful parenting extensively, mindful parenting involves listening with full attention; practicing non-judgmental acceptance of yourself and your child; being aware of your emotions and your child’s emotions in the moment; and having compassion for yourself and your child. 

Let’s consider how each of these four pieces fits into the mindful parenting puzzle and what this means to you, in practical terms, as you’re trying to make peace with your child in the cereal aisle.

1. Listening with full attention. Listening with full attention means really tuning into what your child is saying: listening to what she is saying and how she is saying it. Tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language are key. What you want to do is figure out what your child is trying to tell you and what she needs from you so that you can figure out what to do to help her to manage her out-of-control emotions. It’s important to look beyond the obvious. Your child may be asking for a particular brand of cereal, but she may actually be telling you something else entirely: perhaps that she’s had it up to here with running errands this morning. (That long line at the bank may have maxed out her patience an hour ago. Likely, yours, too.)
2. Practicing non-judgmental acceptance. What you’re trying to do here is resist the urge to judge yourself and your child harshly—something that only serves to ramp up the amount of negative emotion you’re experiencing (making it even more difficult for you to respond rationally to an already tough situation). So, instead of telling yourself that you’re the worst parent in the world or that your kid is a spoiled brat, simply observe (non-judgmentally!) what’s going on: “We’ve had a busy morning. My child needs a break and so do I.”
3. Acknowledging what you and your child are feeling. It’s important to acknowledge and accept your child’s emotions as well as your own. You may find it works well to work through this process with your child, if only to verify that you’ve read her emotions correctly. For example, you might say to your child, “It looks like you need a break. Know what? Me, too! We’ve been running around all morning and we’ve both tired and hungry.” Your child is likely to respond well to what you’re saying. Having your emotions validated by another human being always feels great—and, if it turns out that you’ve misread what she’s feeling, no worries: you’ve given her the chance to set the record straight.
4. Treating yourself and your child with compassion. Treating yourself with self-compassion basically means treating yourself with the same kindness that you would extend to a friend who was struggling. You wouldn’t tell a friend that she was a bad parent because her child was having a meltdown in the cereal aisle. You would acknowledge that she’s doing the best that she can in a difficult situation—and then you would encourage her to take action to make the situation better. So be your own best friend and cut yourself some slack. Not only will you feel less stressed and less judged (that critical voice in our own heads can be pretty nasty): you’ll feel greater compassion toward your child, something that makes parenting immeasurably easier.

So what are the benefits of taking a mindful approach to parenting? 

There are plenty, for both you and your child.

You’ll feel like a more competent and in-control parent. Because you’re making conscious and deliberate parenting decisions (decisions that support your big-picture parenting goals), you will tend to make better parenting decisions and to feel better about those decisions after the fact.

Your child will feel cared for and heard. She will feel reassured that her feelings make sense, she will be encouraged her to turn to you for support the next time she’s feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, and she will learn to treat herself and others with self-compassion (a powerful lesson with far-reaching consequences).

It’s important to know upfront that mindful parenting can take a bit of practice. When you first start to implement these principles, you may find yourself becoming acutely aware of those times when your parenting efforts miss the mark. You’ll hear yourself saying something harsh and judgmental about yourself or your child in your own head—and then you’ll have to remind yourself that you’re trying to remember to suspend judgment and to treat yourself and your child with self-compassion. This is a good thing (although it can feel kind of rotten in the moment). Recognizing where there’s room for improvement means that you’re well on your way to understanding and implementing this new approach to parenting—and that it won’t be long at all before mindfulness becomes second nature.

This article originally appeared in Local Parent magazine.

Related posts:

• Four Simple-Yet-Powerful Things You Can Do to Start Making Things Better for Your Child Right Now
• Dear Parent of a Child Who is Struggling
   

It's That Time of Year Again: Bell Let's Talk 2016

Participating in Bell Let's Talk has become somewhat of an annual tradition for me over the years. I love the way this powerful campaign sparks important conversations about mental health. And, the timing (late January) is great. (Winter blahs, anyone?) So I'll be part of the online conversation on January 27 and beyond (mainly on Twitter because I'm very much a Twitter person). And I'll be volunteering behind the scenes as a speaker at three Bell Let's Talk events in Toronto, Mississauga, and Ottawa. (See my workshop calendar for details about the Ottawa event, a fundraising breakfast on behalf of the Youth Services Bureau of Ottawa which is open to members of the public.)

Bell Let's Talk recently interviewed me about my reasons for being involved with the campaign. This is what I had to say:

What inspired you to get involved in mental health advocacy?

I got involved in mental health advocacy because I wanted to let people know that it’s possible to have a mental illness and to have a great life. You don’t have to choose one or the other. 

I have learned this through personal experience—both as a person who lives with bipolar disorder herself and as a person whose family members have also grappled with a number of mental health challenges—and who are currently thriving. 

I think it’s important to get this message out so that people don’t end up feeling terrified or defeated if they—or someone they love—is diagnosed with a mental illness. A diagnosis is simply a piece of information about you. It doesn’t begin to define you and it certainly doesn’t have to limit you. It is possible to live well while you’re living with a mental illness.

What has been the most difficult challenge as a parent of a child with mental illnesses?

There are so many things that are hard about being the parent of a child with a mental illness. You feel stressed and overwhelmed. You feel unsure about what you can do to help. You worry about your child. You feel lonely and alone. You feel frustrated and angry. You feel sad that life is so difficult for your child. You feel so many things, and sometimes you feel all of these things at the same time. 

But one of the hardest things is feeling like you and your child are being judged by people who don’t understand what it’s like to be a child who is struggling with a mental illness—or what it’s like to be that child’s parent. People need to understand that having a child who is struggling doesn’t make you a bad parent—just as being a child who is struggling doesn’t make your child a bad kid. 

If you could send one message to parents with a similar lived experience to your own, what would it be?

Self-care isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. You can’t put your own life and happiness on hold until some future day when your child is no longer struggling. You need to do the hard work of taking good care of yourself and finding joy in your life right now, even if your child happens to be going through a really tough time. This doesn’t have to be an either/or proposition. You can feel really sad about the difficulties that your child is experiencing and you can allow yourself to experience happiness in your life, starting right now. 

So don’t feel guilty for doing things that give you pleasure, like meeting a friend for a cup of coffee or going for a walk on a beautiful day. Practicing good self-care isn’t just a gift that you give yourself. It’s a gift that you give to your child, too, because a child who is struggling needs and deserves the strongest, healthiest parent possible. 

What does your support network look like when your family is facing challenges?

It looks and feels like a family that is being enveloped in a blanket of caring. We are so, so lucky….

For starters, I have three great sisters who are incredibly helpful and resourceful—the very type of people you want to have in your court when you’re feeling frightened and overwhelmed. They have been there for me—and they have been there for my kids—on countless occasions. 

I am also really lucky to have three close friends who have been through similar experiences with their kids. They have been incredible sources of support and wisdom to me over the years. My friend Darlene meets me for lunch and listens to me talk about my worries and frustrations. My friend Lori sends me e-mails of support from across the miles. And my friend (and cousin!) Karen checks in with me by phone if I go too long without e-mailing her to let her know how I’m really doing. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received from these three wonderful women that I dedicated my book Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between to the three of them. The dedication reads, “To Darlene, Karen, and Lori: For lunches, phone calls, and emails when I needed them most—at the height of the storm.”

And that is just touching the tip of the iceberg, in terms of highlighting the depth and breadth of the support my family has received over the years. So many people have rallied to our side when we needed them. I’m thinking about my friend Bridget, who arrived in the middle of the night to stay with our three boys when our daughter had to be rushed to hospital—and how our next-door neighbor David brought us endless cups of coffee in the aftermath of our recent house fire. (But that’s a whole other story!)

Based on your experiences, what advice do you have for parents who are seeking support?

Remind yourself that there are people out there who aren’t merely willing to help, but who are actually eager to help. People derive a lot of joy and satisfaction from helping other people. It’s the way we’re wired as humans. So don’t deprive another person of the pleasure that comes from helping your family in your time of need. Simply look forward to being able to pay this kindness forward to some other family in some other way at some other time. Bottom line? You don’t have to do this on your own. Let people know what you need and be willing to accept that help. Embrace this aspect of being human.

Grade Six Revisited: On Books, Trees, and Great Teachers

Can a teacher have a lasting impact on the life of a student? 

Absolutely. 

Or at least that’s been my experience. 

It has been 40 years since I last sat in Miss Whitson’s Grade Six classroom at Green Glade Public School in Mississauga and yet I still feel her influence each and every day. 

Sometimes it’s in little ways: I’ll start to write a sentence that ends in the word “before” (“I’ve never had that kind of tea before”) and I’ll hear her voice in my head asking “Before what?” (Ending a sentence with “before” was one of her grammatical pet peeves!) 

But at other times, her influence is bigger. Much bigger. I’ll be sitting at my desk, trying to decide on a topic for an article or a book, and I’ll remember her advice to my much younger self: “Write what you know.” It is advice that’s served me well throughout my entire writing career. In fact, it is advice that has defined my writing career. 

I remember how she managed to set the bar high—but not too high—for her students: high enough to motivate you to want to try your best, but not so high that you were doomed to fall flat on your face. And if you dared to aim high, but missed the mark, you knew she would be standing there ready to cushion your fall and to encourage you to try again. You see, she gave her students the gift of unconditional acceptance—a fierce belief in our own worthiness as human beings and our ability to contribute to the world. What an incredible gift to give a group of eleven- and twelve-year-olds who were about to embark on the often rocky journey known as the teenage years.

She fed our brains with literature (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis comes to mind) and instilled in us an appreciation for the natural world. Sometimes she managed to do both of these things at once, taking us outdoors on days when it was too hot to do any work and reading to us as we sat underneath the trees.

A year ago, I had the opportunity to have dinner with Miss Whitson and a couple of my former classmates—to reconnect and reminisce about our time in her class. It soon became obvious that this memorable year in my life as a student had been just as memorable for my former classmates as well. And what stood out in our minds was how special we were made to feel by this inspiring and compassionate teacher. 

Miss Whitson was an educational visionary, practicing relationship-based teaching before people were even talking about the importance of the teacher-student bond. And they’re talking about it a lot these days. 

The subject came up during a recent conversation with Angela DePalma, Chair of the Council that governs the Ontario College of Teachers (the regulatory body that licenses our teachers, sets high professional and ethical standards, and approves teacher education programs) 

“Research shows that’s the relationship between teacher and student that has the greatest impact on learning,” she noted.

And on living, she might have added.

Four decades after I walked out of Miss Whitson’s classroom for the very last time, she continues to have an impact on the person I aspire to be and the dreams I dare to pursue.

That is her legacy to me.

[ This blog post is part of a parent outreach and education campaign sponsored by the Ontario College of Teachers. ]

Mental Health Advocacy Award: Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere

It's been a pretty exciting week for me.

On Tuesday night, the Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere (FAME) inducted me into their mental health advocacy Hall of Fame in recognition of my "contributions to the community's understanding of mental illness" and "untiring advocacy around mental health issues." Past inductees into the FAME Hall of Fame include former Ontario Lieutenant Governor James Bartleman, journalist and author Scott Simmie, mental health advocate Karen Lieberman, mental health advocate Lembi Buchanan, mental health advocate Al Birney, and filmmaker Stuart Clarefield. 

The Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere offers support to families who have a loved one who is struggling with a mental health challenge. They serve families across the Greater Toronto Area and Peel Region through their offices in Etobicoke, Scarborough, Brampton, and Mississauga. "We believe families make up the basic social structure of our society," the organization's website notes. "Family members provide ongoing support and connection for many of our life experiences. This is particularly true for persons who are vulnerable or ill....As an organization brought together by families, we have a thorough understanding of the challenges and emotions experienced in supporting a family member with a mental illness....[We] works hard to ensure that families have a strong voice within the communities. We are based on a self-help model which respects and supports the expertise that families have regarding their mentally ill relative and their experience in the system."

Thank you, FAME -- both for taking the time to recognize my mental health advocacy work and for the truly life-changing work you have been doing in support of families for over 25 years.

Photos from the event.

Taming the Morning Monster: How to Make Mornings Less Stressful for Yourself and Your Kids

Mornings can be stressful for parents and kids alike – and they can be especially stressful at this time of year, when we’re trying to ease back into school-year morning routines. So what can you do to make mornings a little less stressful for yourself and your kids? Here are a few tips.

Do what you can the night before. Clear the deck of any and all tasks that can be tackled ahead of time, things like making lunches, filling out permission forms for your child’s school, and tracking down gym clothes and library books and other items that need to find their way back to school. 

Create a designated area for items that need to make it out the door in the morning. Don’t want your child to forget his sweater and his backpack? No problem. Park them by the front door. Worried he’ll still manage to forget the lunch that is (by necessity) still camping out in the fridge? No worries. Stick a note on his backpack to remind him to swing by the refrigerator before he makes the mad dash for the school bus.

Think simple and healthy when you’re planning breakfast menus. Save the super-involved breakfasts for weekends, when you have a bit more time for cooking and cleanup. Stick to basics on weekday mornings. Team up protein with complex carbohydrates so that your kids will have the fuel they need to function at their best while they’re at school. Think smoothies, whole-grain toast, hard-boiled eggs, fresh fruit, and other quick-and-easy breakfasts. (Tip: Make French toast whole-grain bread ahead of time. Zap it in the microwave for a couple of seconds and top it with fresh fruit for a yummy and nutritious breakfast.)  

Establish a predictable morning routine. That way, your kids will know what they’re expected to do — which will help to reduce the number of reminders required from you. If you have a child who struggles to stay organized, create a checklist based on that morning routine and hang it on the bathroom mirror or the refrigerator door — somewhere he’ll be sure to see it. Better yet, get him to create his own checklist (so that he can take responsibility for organizing his morning routine and come up with the reminder system that will work best for him).  

Factor some breathing room into your schedule. Curveballs can and do happen, so plan to get up at least 15 minutes earlier than your schedule demands. If you make a conscious effort to build a bit of a time cushion into your morning routine, you won’t have to rush yourself and your kids in order to make up for lost time. Tip: If you’d like to start your day by enjoying a bit of quiet time on your own before everyone else is up, you might consider getting up even earlier than that. Taking care of your own needs first will help to put you in a calm and positive state of mind — a great way to start your day. You’ll have the luxury of feeling in control (as opposed to feeling like your day is controlling you).