Bullying Prevention Tips for Children Who Are Struggling

by Ann Douglas

It’s not your imagination: children who are struggling with mental health, neurodevelopmental, and behavioural challenges are more likely to be bullied—and/or to bully—other children. 

Not only do they tend to exhibit behaviours like depression, anxiety, and excessive aggression that are likely to make them targets of bullying: they have fewer opportunities to play with other children and work on all-important relationship skills like cooperation, empathy, and perspective taking—skills that make them less likely to want to bully others.

So what can parents, teachers, and other caring adults do to reduce the likelihood that a child will bully or be bullied? 

Give your child the opportunity to work on his relationship skills. These skills don’t fall into place easily or naturally for every child. Some children need some extra help with relationships skills, including the art of relationship repair. (Things can and do go wrong in relationships. Children need to know what to do in order to fix those problems.) 

Help your child to forge some key alliances. Relationships reap tremendous dividends when it comes to protecting a child against bullying and reducing the likelihood that a child will bully others. Children who have a strong relationship with a teacher are less likely to engage in bullying or to be bullied; and children who have a strong relationship with at least one peer are less likely to be bullied. 

Teach self-advocacy skills. Children who are being bullied can be taught how to ask for help in a way that strengthens relationships, minimizes conflict, and encourages the other person to want to help. At the same time, it’s important to let the child know that he has your support. Your child needs to feel the strength of your caring: to know that you’ll do whatever you can to make things better, starting right now. 

Model the behaviours you wish to see. Join forces with other adults to create communities that are characterized by kindness and mutual respect so that children grow up knowing how they should expect to be treated and how they should expect to treat others.  

Resources:

Prevnet.ca

Red Cross RespectED 

Ann Douglas is the author of Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between (a guide to parenting a child with a mental health, neurodevelopmental, or behavioural challenge). 

This post was originally published on the website of the Canadian Red Cross.

April Online Events for Parents and Educators

Most of the events I am involved with these days take place face-to-face in schools or at parenting conferences. 

Next week is a little different: three of my events are taking place online.

If you've had a hard time making it out to one of my face-to-face events (geography and/or family commitments can make it a challenge to get out to an in-person event, for sure!), maybe you might be able to make it out to one of these online events instead. Here's what you need to know about each:

Tues. Apr. 21, 2015: 9:00 pm to 10:00 pm
Parenting Through the Storm Webinar
Hosted by Morneau Shepell Children's Support Solutions
Webinar description and registration details. (The webinar is free, but pre-registration is required.)
UPDATE: Link to webinar recording.

Wed. Apr. 22, 2015: 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm
Parenting Through the Storm Webinar
Hosted by the International Bipolar Foundation
Webinar description and registration details. (The webinar is free, but pre-registration is required.)
UPDATE: Link to webinar recording.

Wed. Apr. 22, 2015: 7:00 pm to 8:00 pm
Parents and Educators Working Together Twitter Chat
Hosted by the Ontario Ministry of Education: Early Years Division
Follow the #leadershipshine hashtag on Twitter to join in the conversation.
UPDATE: Storify post summarizing the highlights of the chat.

Four Simple Yet Powerful Things You Can Do Right Now to Start Making Things Better for Your Child

Your child is going through a difficult time. You don’t quite know what’s at the root of her woes, but you do know that you want to do something to help. Fortunately, there are a number of practical things you can do, starting right now, to help make things better for your child. Here are four ideas.

1. Ask yourself, "What does my child need from me right now?"
Parenting can be exhausting—and meeting the needs of a child who is angry or upset can require an extraordinary amount of patience. You will find it easier to be patient with your child—to zero in on the best ways of handling a particular situation as opposed to getting stuck in your own feelings of helplessness or frustration—if you pause to ask yourself one key question: "What does my child need from me right now?" That simple question really cuts to the chase of things by helping you to shift your focus from how you are feeling to what you can do to help.

2. Validate your child’s feelings.
Validating your child’s feelings means letting your child know that what she is thinking and feeling makes sense, even if you don’t share that exact same perspective yourself. You might tell your child, for example, that it makes sense that she is afraid of thunderstorms. Everyone is afraid of sudden, loud noises. Validating your child’s emotions will encourage her to accept her feelings rather than trying to avoid them (which only serves to make those unwanted feelings more intrusive). And it is an effective strategy for calming an upset child. Knowing that she has been heard and that her feelings have been accepted will make it easier for her to shift from emotion to problem-solving mode.

3. Be a calming presence.
Of course, one of the most powerful things you can do to calm an upset child is to be a calming presence yourself. Think back to when you were a child—how good it felt to be hugged or held by someone who made you feel safe and secure. You can be this kind of stabilizing force for your child while she works at managing her own emotions.

4. Practice self-compassion.
Treat yourself with the same kindness that you would extend to a friend who is struggling. Not only will you be modeling this all-important skill for your child (the art of cutting yourself some slack when you’re having a really bad day): you will also find it is easier to extend these same feelings of kindness and compassion towards your child—the ultimate parenting win!

Related:

• The New Family: How to Cope When Your Child is Suffering With Mental Illness
• Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything In Between

This article originally appeared at Toronto4Kids.com.

Ann Douglas is the author of Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between (a guide to parenting a child with a mental health, neurodevelopmental, or behavioural challenge). She is also an engaging and inspiring speaker who sparks important conversations about parenting and mental health.

Dear Parent of a Child Who is Struggling....

Here’s what other parents want you to know about parenting a child who is struggling with a mental health, neurodevelopmental, or behavioural challenge.

• You and your child are not alone. 
• Having a child who is struggling doesn’t make you a bad parent -- just as being a child who is struggling doesn’t make your child a bad kid.
• It's important to reach out for help as soon as you begin to suspect that there could be a problem and to tap into support from others who truly understand the challenges that you and your child are facing.
• You don't need to be afraid of obtaining a diagnosis. A diagnosis doesn't define nor does it limit your child. A diagnosis simply provides a snapshot of information about your child -- information that can helpful to you in zeroing in on the most effective parenting strategies and in tapping into supports at school and in the community that might not otherwise be available to your child.
• You don’t have to wait until your child has received a definitive diagnosis before you start trying to make things better for your child and your family. You can make stress management a priority for yourself and your child. You can help your child to learn how to manage powerful emotions and to develop coping skills. You can use parenting techniques that bring out the best (as opposed to the worst) in your child. And you can make physical health a priority for yourself and your child. Physical health helps to support mental health. 
• It is important to learn how to be an effective advocate for your child -- and to help your child to develop strong self-advocacy skills. And it is important to take a solutions-oriented approach when you’re advocating for your child at school or within the child-youth mental health care system. 
• It is important to give yourself permission to experience joy  -- even if your child continues to struggle. You don't have to put your happiness on hold until some future day when life is perfect. You can allow yourself to experience joy in your life right now.

Ann Douglas is the author of Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between (a guide to parenting a child with a mental health, neurodevelopmental, or behavioural challenge). She is also an engaging and inspiring speaker who sparks important conversations about parenting and mental health.

A Short History of Parental Guilt

If you've got kids, you've got guilt -- which is why I jumped at the chance to write this article ("A Short History of Parental Guilt") for 49th Shelf (a website devoted to Canadian writing).

Hope you enjoy reading the piece as much as I enjoyed writing it. (It was great to have an excuse to pour through my personal collection of vintage parenting advice books once again.)