What I Heard at National Child Day in Ottawa

I spent Wednesday volunteering with Children First Canada at their National Child Day event in Ottawa. What follows are the highlights of what I heard at the conference (which focused on Canada’s commitment to upholding the rights of children), plus a few snapshots of the powerful artwork created by some of the children and youth who attended.

We have a long way to go as a country when it comes to achieving our goal of becoming the best place in the world for children for children to grow up. Canadians think we’re doing a better by our kids than we actually are. The good news is that when Canadians do hear about how bad things really are for children and youth, they are genuinely shocked and they want Canada to do better.

Some of the artwork created by children and youth at National Child Day in Ottawa.

When things are bad for children, they are almost unspeakably bad. Children are suffering and being traumatized. They are hurting and they are being hurt. They are struggling to survive. Sometimes they aren’t actually able to survive: not because of any failing on their part, but because we failed them. We’ve tolerated inequities. We’ve overestimated what kind of job we’re doing when it comes to raising up a generation of happy, healthy kids. We’ve failed to understand the gravity of the situation. We’ve allowed children to fall into the gigantic gap between what former Ontario Child Advocate Irwin Elman calls “the nice words of government” and the reality of what children are actually experiencing on the ground.

We need to ignite a spark of outrage in Canadians – to “push beyond the platitudes,” as Children First Canada CEO Sara Austin put it. We need to move forward with both optimism and urgency. We have the data. We have the solutions. We just need the personal and political will to make things happen. And there’s so much we can learn from the Indigenous worldview. As Grand Chief Alvin Fiddler of the Nishnawbe Aski Nation put it: “If you want to make change anywhere, start with the kids.” Start with the kids, indeed.

“Children should have a voice in politics and policies.”

It will be challenging to move certain policies forward, given that we’re heading into a minority parliament. Michele Austin, Head of Government, Public Policy, and Philanthropy at Twitter Canada, recommends that citizens and organizations advocating on behalf of children emphasize the benefits to the incoming government of taking action on this issue. Messages are more likely to be heeded by the Liberal minority government if they’re framed along the lines of, “This will bring you votes that will move you into majority territory.”

It is also important to build consensus on key issues outside of political circles — by connecting with parents, grandparents, and others who care about children. As Jennifer McLeod Macey (Vice President, Public Affairs, IPSOS) noted, “Noisy people get things gone.” We need to find those noisy people and amplify their voices.

That’s going to mean having some brave conversations: conversations that cross generational, cultural, and political divides. We need to allow children and parents to speak frankly and honestly about just how anxious they are about both the present and the future. And then we need to commit to taking concrete action to make things better. We can’t just pay lip service to these issues. We can’t just talk about being a country that cares about children. We have to be prepared to walk the walk.

That means listening—really listening—to the many calls to action we are hearing from children and youth. I took a few minutes to read through the posters they created today and I was moved by so many of their messages. Here are just a few of the messages that will stick with me long after today: 

“I wish people listened about the environment.” “I wish the Earth was still nice.”

“I wish people listened about the environment.”

“I wish the Earth was still nice.”

“Children should have a voice in politics and policies.”

And on one of the many mental health posters, a simple, “Help.”

Children and youth at the conference told us that they want us to be real about what we’re actually prepared to do to make things better. They want us to know that they will hold us accountable if we merely go through the motions of listening; or if we fail to back up that listening with action.

We owe it to them as a country to do more and better.

Let’s honour that promise, starting right now.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio.

My Citizen Mandate Letter

Ann Douglas has written herself a “citizen mandate letter” to spell out her personal action plan for the next session of Parliament.

I just finished writing myself a "citizen mandate letter" -- my own personal action plan for the next session of Parliament, which is scheduled to begin on December 5.

It’s kind of like one of those “minister mandate letters” that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wrote to each of his cabinet ministers shortly after he came to power back in 2015, except, in this case, it’s a letter I wrote to myself.

I wrote this letter to remind myself that the actions citizens take in between elections are even more important than the actions they take during elections. I want the next government to make progress on three complex and interconnected issues -- the climate crisis, electoral reform, and income inequality. My plan spells out what I, as an ordinary citizen, can do to encourage them to make progress on all three fronts.

I’m sharing this letter with you in the hope that you will decide to write a similar letter to yourself. And if you do decide to write one, I'd love it if you'd share that letter with me. That way, we can inspire one another to turn our plans into action. I’ll be reporting back to you about my progress and I’d love to hear what you’re working on, too.

- Ann

Citizen Mandate Letter for Ann Douglas

During the upcoming session of session of Parliament, I will be doing everything in my power as a citizen to encourage our elected officials to make progress on the following three issues:

1. the climate crisis,

2. electoral reform, and

3. income inequality.

I am focusing my efforts on these three issues because, if we can make progress in these three areas, we’ll have the income needed to invested in other critically needed programs and services and to fund the transition to a greener and more just economy and we’ll have a voting system that ensures that everyone’s voice is heard (something that is critical for the health of our democracy).

I am highly motivated to take action on each of these issues because I feel like we’ve reached a make-it-or-break it point for our country and our world; and I really want us to make it. If we don’t make progress on these three issues, life is going to get a whole lot worse for a whole bunch of people — and likely irreversibly worse. Besides, it feels so much better to be actively trying to make things better as opposed to merely standing on the sidelines feeling hopeless. When it comes to a choice between hope and cynicism, I will choose hope every time.

Here are the specific actions that I commit to taking throughout the duration of the next Parliament.

I will request a face-to-face meeting with my Member of Parliament. I will plan to meet with her face-to-face to explain why it is so important to make progress on these three key issues. When I meet with her, I will make the case for taking action and, more specifically, I will spell out what her government—the ruling party—stands to gain by demonstrating leadership on all three fronts.

I will also write to other Members of Parliament. Cabinet Ministers, Committee Members, and other Parliamentarians who are working on these all-important issues need to hear from ordinary Canadians from across the country. I will ensure that my voice is one of the voices that is heard.

I will have ongoing conversations with my fellow citizens. I will connect with other people I know who are already working on my three top issues. But, in addition to that, I will make a conscious effort to connect with voters who felt that they had little choice but to vote strategically in the last election and who are still feeling angry and discouraged as a result. I want to help them to see that they still have an opportunity to make their voices heard in all kinds of powerful and far-reaching ways and that the time for action is now—before we find ourselves caught up in yet another voting cycle when they might once again be forced to perform electoral gymnastics in an attempt to make a badly broken voting system work.

I will continue to support the work being done by grassroots groups and non-profit organizations that are working to make progress on the issues that matter most to me. I’ll volunteer my time, make financial donations, and look for random opportunities to shine a spotlight on the important work they are doing.

I will continue to donate my time, energy, and money to the political party that is most in synch with my values. I want that political party to be in the strongest possible position, both financially and in terms of people power, by the time the next election is called. The only way that’s going to happen is if I support those efforts right now.

Our electoral system isn’t working nearly as well as it should in terms of representing the viewpoints of ordinary citizens. That means that we as individual citizens have to work harder—a whole lot harder—to ensure that our voices are heard. But it doesn’t have to be impossibly hard. Writing a few letters, making a few donations, scheduling a few meetings, and supporting the efforts of our fellow citizens to do likewise has the potential to make a big difference. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get started: to find tiny ways to make a big difference together.

It Takes a Village to Raise a Parent

If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support that child’s parent. Here’s how to be that village….

Parenting can feel like an exercise in endurance: much more marathon than sprint. But many parents today are left feeling like they are being asked to run an entire relay race on their own, without the much-needed support of any teammates.

That’s not how it’s supposed to work. We were never meant to raise children on our own. And doing so makes parenting so much more difficult and more stressful.

I think we need to talk about this more. I think we need to talk about why so many parents are hungering for support from “the village” and why that support can be so hard to find.

Because here’s the thing: Parents needs support and they need it at every stage of parenting.

13 million calories and counting

Parenting requires a huge investment: an investment that is much bigger than what any individual parent or set of parents is capable of providing on their own. Anthropologists estimate that 13 million calories are required to raise a child from birth to the point of nutritional self-sufficiency (the point at which they are capable of buying their own groceries). And that’s just talking groceries! As every parent on the planet will tell you, parenting is about so much more than buying groceries….

So where is “the village”?

These days, it can be challenging for any parent to find and connect with “the village.” Families are increasingly isolated and cut off from one another. Whether you blame it on the geography of our neighbourhoods or the relentlessness of our work schedules or the exhaustion of the combined work-life load, we’re increasingly squirrelled away in our own homes. Parents have to make a conscious effort to find and connect with other parents in their communities—and that can be hard.

And, of course, it’s important to acknowledge that it is more difficult for some parents to tap into support than others. I’m thinking about parents who may be new to a particular community; parents who are raising a child with some sort of mental health or behavioural challenge or health concern; parents who are barely scrapping by from pay cheque to pay cheque and who may not have the financial resources to sign their kids up for extra-curricular activities that might otherwise bring them into the orbit of other families; parents who are working unpredictable schedules that make it hard to make plans. All those factors can make it extra challenging to find let alone connect with your “village.”

On finding or rebuilding “the village”

If you’re a parent who is finding it hard to find support in your community, start out by looking for that support online. And then, once you’ve tapped into that support online, look for opportunities to carry those relationships into the community as well. Maybe you can find an online group for parents and kids in your neighbourhood that offers the best of both worlds: instantly accessible online support when you’re looking for support and advice in the midst of a really bad day (or even longer night!) of parenting plus offline neighbourhood get-togethers that provide opportunities for the face-to-face conversations that you may be craving.

And, while you’re at it, lose the guilt. Don’t feel like you’re imposing on other people when you accept – or even ask for – this kind of support. Think about times in your life when you were able to offer hands-on help to another person. What you no doubt discovered is that it doesn’t just feel great to be on the receiving end of such support. It feels just as great to be on the giving side of that equation. So don’t deprive your fellow villagers of the opportunity to experience the joy that comes from providing that kind of support to you.

Finally, recognize what the village stands to gain by supporting parents and kids. It can be hard to keep this big-picture in mind in our fiercely individualistic culture. Too often, parents who ask for support are rebuffed by harsh and judgmental messages that are anything but supportive (“Hey, parents. You made the decision to have kids. Stop asking the village for help in raising them!”) This is because we have a tendency in the broader culture to treat parenting as a personal problem that every family needs to solve on its own. But here’s the thing: the village has a vested interest in the health and wellbeing of its children because they represent the next generation of citizens and workers.

That’s how things are supposed to work. Parents are supposed to feel supported by their fellow villagers. There are, after all, so many things the village can do to make things easier and better for parents and kids—and it’s actually in the village’s best interest to do so. Because when parents and kids are healthier, “the village” is healthier, too. Talk about the ultimate win-win!

Want to read more about the importance of tapping into support from “the village”? You might enjoy this book excerpt from Ann Douglas’ latest book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids.

How to Avoid Being Psychologically Destroyed by Your Newsfeed

This past week has been brutal, in terms of what has been coming across my newsfeed. And 2016 wasn't exactly a picnic either. So lately I've been thinking a lot about the mental health impact of a steady avalanche of Really Bad News. Many of us (myself included) deal with mental health challenges on a daily basis and being fed a steady diet of devastating world events only serves to make that harder. So I've decided to share a few strategies I'm using to avoid being completely crushed by my newsfeed right now. (I'm writing this post as much for myself as for anyone else. But I'm also hoping that this post will be helpful to some other sensitive soul who is having an extra tough time right now.)

Here's my best advice....

Recognize that there's a difference between being immersed and being informed

Sure, you want to be aware of what's happening in the world, but that doesn't mean that you have to be plugged into your Twitter or Facebook feed 24/7. Give yourself permission to take breaks. And aim for a balanced media diet. Don't just focus on the really bad news. Gravitate toward the good, too.

Stick to your usual routines as much as possible

We humans are creatures of habit and we find comfort in the familiar. And make sure that you're giving your body what it needs to function at its best: healthy food, regular physical activity, time for fun, and adequate sleep. (I don't know about you, but I find that sleep is the glue that holds everything else together. I've learned to recognize it for what it is: a necessity, not a luxury.) 

Look for opportunities to take action

It doesn't have to be something huge. Frankly, it will feel a whole lot less overwhelming if it's not. But by carrying through on sort of positive action, however small (writing a letter, making a donation, attending a face-to-face get-together in your town), you'll be engaging the rational-logical part of your brain. And that will help to put the brakes on what can otherwise quickly escalate into paralyzing feelings of anxiety and sadness. Feeling powerless fuels anxiety; taking action brings it down. 

Allow yourself to feel all the feelings

Allow painful emotions to flow through you as opposed to avoiding them (which suppresses positive as well as negative emotions, leaving you feeling emotionally "flat") or dwelling on them (which ties up cognitive resources, leaving you less equipped to solve problems or connect with other people). Remind yourself that feelings come and feelings go -- and you are not your feelings. 

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.”

— Noam Chomsky

Maintain your sense of optimism

Focus on what you can control as opposed to fixating on what you can't. You'll find it easier to make this mental mindshift if you make a conscious effort to boost your level of positive emotion by doing things you enjoy and spending time with people you love. Positive emotions leave the door open to possibility while negative emotions slam the door shut. You want to keep the door open right now.

Reach out -- don't crumble inward

Connect with other caring citizens who share your concern about what's happening in our country and our world. Talk to other people you know who may be going through an especially difficult time right now -- especially members of vulnerable or marginalized communities. Let them know that you will be there to support them and that you care. Smile at strangers. (Assume their good intentions unless proven otherwise.) Look for opportunities to build bridges, not walls. Finally, reach out for other types of support if you feel like you're really struggling. Self-care isn't selfish; it's self-preservation. You need to take extra good care of yourself right now.

Talk to your children

Address their fears and spark their compassion. Do everything in your power to nurture their caring and to encourage them to dream of a better world. Then support those brave dreamers. They offer the best path forward for our deeply troubled world.

Mental Health Advocacy Award: Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere

It's been a pretty exciting week for me.

On Tuesday night, the Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere (FAME) inducted me into their mental health advocacy Hall of Fame in recognition of my "contributions to the community's understanding of mental illness" and "untiring advocacy around mental health issues." Past inductees into the FAME Hall of Fame include former Ontario Lieutenant Governor James Bartleman, journalist and author Scott Simmie, mental health advocate Karen Lieberman, mental health advocate Lembi Buchanan, mental health advocate Al Birney, and filmmaker Stuart Clarefield. 

The Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere offers support to families who have a loved one who is struggling with a mental health challenge. They serve families across the Greater Toronto Area and Peel Region through their offices in Etobicoke, Scarborough, Brampton, and Mississauga. "We believe families make up the basic social structure of our society," the organization's website notes. "Family members provide ongoing support and connection for many of our life experiences. This is particularly true for persons who are vulnerable or ill....As an organization brought together by families, we have a thorough understanding of the challenges and emotions experienced in supporting a family member with a mental illness....[We] works hard to ensure that families have a strong voice within the communities. We are based on a self-help model which respects and supports the expertise that families have regarding their mentally ill relative and their experience in the system."

Thank you, FAME -- both for taking the time to recognize my mental health advocacy work and for the truly life-changing work you have been doing in support of families for over 25 years.

Photos from the event.