Book Pairing #4: If You Loved Happy Parents, Happy Kids, You’ll Love Lean Out

I’m back with another book pairing—a recommendation of a book that you’re likely to enjoy if you enjoyed my most recent book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids.

This time, I want to shine a spotlight on Lean Out: A Meditation on the Madness of Modern Life by Tara Henley, a book that’s one part memoir and one part call to action to fix the many things that are badly broken right now.

What the two books have in common is a fierce belief in the power of community: of the importance of embracing our interconnectedness as humans and working together to mend our badly fraying social fabric.

As Tara Henley concludes in her powerful call to action in the final pages of the book, “We are all in this together. And if we want to save our society, we’re going to have to start acting like it.”

I recently had the opportunity to speak with Tara Henley about her book. What follows are the highlights of that conversation: my questions and Tara’s answers.

Q: The world of work has expanded to take up so much space in our lives, and, over the course of the pandemic, the blurring of lines between work and life have pretty much been erased for many people. In what way has that contributed to “the madness of modern life” over the course of the past year?

Tara Henley: I think we're now living the end game of everything that I wrote about in the book. Really, all of the destructive trends have intensified. The tendency for us to connect to our screens as opposed to in person has intensified. Our work hours have intensified. And all of the things that used to buffer us from the stress of work are gone. We don't have face-to-face connection. We don't have a life out in the world. We don't even have hugs right now.

And the incentives to not work around the clock are also gone. Many people that I've talked to tell me that they feel guilty when they're not working, because there's no plausible excuse for not working. And people are also working out of boredom. There's nothing else to do. At least work stimulates the brain.

So, all of the stuff I wrote about in the book is intensified. And it's not sustainable from any perspective. That’s why I think it is a good idea, right now, to really notice how unsatisfying this life is, so we can hopefully make changes when we come out of the pandemic.

Q: Over the course of the pandemic, I’ve found myself really craving the kinds of deep conversations that are possible when you are able to get together face-to-face with other people in the community. I’m wondering if we’ll value community even more when we come out the other side of this pandemic, as opposed to the more limited kinds of conversations that are possible via social media or even Zoom! Any thoughts about that?

Tara Henley: I feel really optimistic about that. I think we will embrace it so much when we're allowed to get together again. That said, I think the technology is always going to be a massive temptation for us. It's so addictive…and we've also seen, this past year, how incredibly destructive it can be.

I think that those are bigger questions for our society. And I don't think those questions should be left to the individual. I think that we need a concerted government effort to look at regulation and consider the role that technology should play in our lives.

Q: The pandemic has also highlighted the fact that systemic problems require systemic solutions. I get frustrated by how often the conversation veers toward individual solutions. It’s pretty clear that we’re not going to be able to self-help our way out of climate change or the other wickedly complicated problems we are facing in our world right now. Is that something you think about?

Tara Henley: So, over the course of writing my book, I went from really being steeped in self-help culture -- because I grew up on the West Coast and that is the air that you breathe out there -- to thinking that it was helpful, in some ways, but not so helpful in others; to thinking it's actually destructive.

I believe that it is destructive because it is the wrong tool for our time. The problems that we're facing as a society are massive. They are structural. They cannot be solved at the level of the individual. Climate change is the perfect example. It's not going to be solved by one person taking cloth bags to Whole Foods. That's just not going to work.

Tara Henley, author, Lean Out

Of course, none of that is to say that individual efforts don't matter. I think a lot about the force of kindness: how in times of disaster you see people doing extraordinary things for one another. And we did see some of that in the first months of the pandemic. The thing that is so difficult about this pandemic is that we're so isolated. I know that people in my neighbourhood are struggling. I just don't know who they are. I can't see them. I'm in my house alone.

So, I think the self-help conversation is a tricky one because I do think our individual attitudes matter. On the other hand, I think it really matters that we start thinking in terms of the greater good and the collective and being driven by altruism and kindness and care for our neighbours. That really, really matters.

But the self-help idea that, "I need to be focused on myself and my own problems; my own inner healing and my own self-actualization and my own self care" -- I just don't believe in that at all anymore. And when you translate that to the big issues of our time, I think it's a distraction. Not only do I think it doesn't work: I think it's a distraction. And I don't think we can afford distractions right now.

Book Pairing #3: If you loved Happy Parents, Happy Kids, you'll love Worry

If you’ve got kids, you’ve got worries. That’s pretty much how this parenting thing works. But something about raising kids these days feels different. Everything about parenting feels incredibly high stakes. This is something I write about at length in my most recent book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids. And it’s an issue that author Jessica Westhead tackles as well in her latest novel, Worry.

Worry is a thoughtful and multilayered book that explores the many factors—both personal and societal—that might cause a parent to retreat to a place of worry. Initially, the reader isn’t quite sure why the main character, Ruth, seems to spends so much time worrying about her four-year-old daughter, but, over time, those worries begin to make sense. At the start of the novel, we sense that something is wrong, but it takes us a long time to figure out what that “something” is (almost as long as it takes Ruth to acknowledge that “something” to herself). The result is a psychologically complex and highly captivating novel that insists that you keep turning pages as a way to relieve your own worry about what’s going to happen to these characters. Bottom line? If the sections of Happy Parents, Happy Kids that explore why anxiety is pretty much baked into the experience of modern parenting resonated with you, you’ll want to pick up a copy of Worry, too.

I recently had the opportunity to interview Jessica Westhead about her book. What follows are the highlights of that conversation: my questions and Jessica’s answers.

Q. Parents are often ridiculed for being “too anxious” and yet sometimes anxiety is a perfectly rational response to the state of the world and/or an individual parent’s life experience. What would you say to parents like Ruth who are harshly criticized or judged for worrying “too much" about their kids?

A: I love this question, because it does bother me when Ruth’s worrying is written off as over-the-top. You make such a good point—we live in a world right now that is full of things to worry about. People are becoming (I think/hope) more aware of the need for social justice, and positive change is happening there, slowly, but the backlash from “mainstream” (AKA white, straight, mostly middle-class and middle-aged) society that keeps building as historically marginalized groups of people are gaining (a tiny bit of) ground is very frightening. Climate change, of course, is the most terrifying thing of all, and we all have to do this elaborate compartmentalization dance just to go about our lives with some semblance of calm in the face of it. Meanwhile, go to any toy store and you see more and more of these awful “surprise” toy abominations wrapped in layer upon layer of non-recyclable plastic, and these are the only things my daughter and her friends want. The waste makes me sick to my stomach. Add all of that to whatever other worries each parent carries around with them because of their own individual traumas, and it’s a wonder that we’re not all just curled up in the fetal position, covering our eyes and ears and humming desperately to ourselves. So yes, I empathize with Ruth. I’m an anxious parent myself. I would tell parents like us that’s it okay to worry; that we shouldn’t add “worrying about worrying too much” to the pile. BUT we also need to think about how our kids will perceive our anxiety, and how they’ll absorb it from us. I want my daughter to fill up with love for herself and the world and the people in it, and there won’t be room enough for that if she’s too full of (my) worry. So far, I think I’m doing an okay job of staying hopeful and focusing on the good things. Gratitude helps with that enormously—I’m so thankful for my family and our friends and the communities I’m part of, and the opportunities I’ve had—and being grateful gives me the energy to keep moving forward. And to be kind to myself when the worries creep in, as they always do.

Q. The sections of your book that were anchored in a character’s earlier experiences of loss really resonated with me. (I’m deliberately being vague because I don’t want to spoil any parts of your book for other readers.) Could you talk a little bit about how earlier experiences of loss can amplify feelings of anxiety and why you felt it was important to address this in your book?

A: I mentioned compartmentalization in my first answer, and I’ll return to that idea here. Ruth is also doing her own elaborate dance to escape painful memories by keeping them locked away. I wrote the odd-numbered flashback chapters in Worry as a way to show the separateness of those memories, which gradually seep back into Ruth’s awareness until she can’t hide from them anymore. Being out of her element and on Stef’s turf (Stef and her husband Sammy own the cottage where the story is set) makes Ruth feel very vulnerable, and at first she has her guard up. But then Stef wears her down, and Ruth finds relief in the permissiveness of “Cottage Time”—where it’s acceptable and even expected for the adults to forgo responsibility and embrace relaxation (aided by lots of drinking). With this freedom from her regular routine, there's more opportunity for self-reflection, and Ruth’s thoughts end up drifting back to the past events (and losses) that shaped her present worries. I had four early miscarriages before giving birth to my daughter, and I know many women who had similar experiences or went through much more traumatic pregnancy losses. Some of them have children now, and some of them don’t. When my daughter was younger, I often wondered what life would’ve been like if we hadn’t had the good fortune of having her. Worry grew out of that wondering.

Q. What was the hardest thing for you about writing this book and what has been the most rewarding thing?

A: I wrote the first draft of Worry ridiculously quickly. Once I got going, it was almost as if I couldn’t NOT write it if I tried. I’ve had entire scenes from short stories arrive in my brain fully formed before, but this experience was something else entirely, and such a gift. For those feverish few months, I was waking up at all hours of the night and writing for long stretches of time in my notebook by flashlight, watching my pen fly across the pages as the words poured out of me. In the morning, I’d have all this new material and then I’d just keep going. From the very beginning, when the idea for Worry first came to me, I knew that the story would take place at a cottage, I knew who all the characters were, and I knew that the basic storyline had to do with my protagonist’s worry for her only child. So I was able to write a plot outline early on, which gave me extra momentum because I could progress scene by scene (even if I didn’t know how it was all going to end). So that was absolutely the most rewarding part. The hardest part was when the rose-coloured glasses fell off, after I'd finished that draft in an exultant haze, and I realized it wasn’t remotely close to being done. The next few years were a slog. The ending was the biggest problem—it never felt right, even after two major revisions. After the euphoric ease of the first draft, I was disillusioned and disheartened by how much I had to struggle with the rewrites, and still couldn’t figure out how to fix what was wrong. Fortunately, I have a brilliant agent (Sam Hiyate with The Rights Factory) and several incredibly supportive and perceptive first readers who had my back. With their feedback (on multiple drafts), and lots of walking around and letting my mind wander around the story, along with the encouragement of Patrick Crean (who’d seen a spark in a too-early draft of Worry that we'd submitted to publishers much too soon, but fortunately it caught Patrick's attention and that’s how I ended up at HarperCollins), I was able to re-envision the story and make the connections that led to the “final” draft that I re-submitted to HarperCollins, and it was accepted. Ultimately, it was decided that Jennifer Lambert would be my editor, since we’re about the same age and have kids about the same age, so she would (and did!) have a more intimate understanding of Ruth’s journey as a mother, as well as the intricacies of female friendships. Now that Worry is out in the world, the enthusiastic reception from readers that I’ve seen so far has been so incredibly gratifying. I’m happy that I did the work to tell this story the way I really wanted to tell it.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio.

Book Pairing #2: If you loved Happy Parents, Happy Kids, you'll love Change Your World

I’m back with another book pairing. (Yes, I know: that was quick! It’s because I have a huge backlog of books I’ve been meaning to blog about — and launching this new blog feature has inspired me to catch up on that backlog.)

Anyway, the second book I want to tell you about is Michael Ungar’s latest book: Change Your World: The Science of Resilience and the True Path to Success — a book that takes a deep dive into the science of resilience to identify the factors that actually allow people to thrive. (Spoiler alert: It’s not about hustling a little harder or being more motivated: it’s about being fortunate enough to grow up in an environment that is rich in opportunity.)

What I love about this book is that Ungar rejects the idea that success is something that is completely within our control as individuals and highlights instead the importance of broader, more systemic factors: what’s happening in our families, our community, and our world. Improving our personal circumstances becomes less about changing ourselves and more about joining forces with other people to make things better for all of us, in other words. As Ungar explains: “We need a clean break from the mindset that places the responsibility for self-actualization on an individual’s shoulders—it is a misread of what the science tells us about what makes us successful. If we want to understand why some people succeed and others do not, and if we want to succeed ourselves, we will need far fewer motivational gurus and much more help from the people in our families, our workplaces, our communities, and our society.”

Bottom line? It’s less about do-it-yourself and more about do-it-with-others.

I recently had the opportunity to interview Michael Ungar about his book. We talked about the importance of tapping into support from the village (a key theme in my most recent book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids) and helping our children to do the same. What follows are a series of questions (mine) and answers (his).

Q: Why are North Americans so drawn to self-help solutions? Why is it so hard for us to accept and embrace (a) our interconnectedness to other humans and (b) the impact of broader environments on our lives?

A: There is an overwhelming myth of the rugged individual that infiltrates every part of our social world. It seems to blind us to the real sources of our resilience: our relationships, our communities, our institutions. While I understand the need to be self-directed and motivated, the science of resilience tells us that striving in a world that offers us few opportunities to use our talents or succeed simply creates frustration and burnout (allostatic load). Our success depends on the world around us changing to meet our needs, or at least making opportunities available for us to use.

Q: Why is it important for children/youth to grow up understanding that they are part of something much bigger than themselves — a family, a community, humanity?

A: A child who understands that she is part of a larger system is a child who will have more of the building blocks for resilience. These include a sense of accountability to others, a sense of belonging, and a sense of one’s cultural heritage. So much of who we are, and our sense of wellbeing, hinges on our immersion in networks of relationships. Even in school, the quality of our relationship with our teacher can profoundly influence academic outcomes, especially for more vulnerable/challenged students.

Q: What is your best advice to parents in terms of how to foster this awareness?

A: First, model being part of a community, an extended family, a workplace. Then don’t be shy about insisting children become part of these relationships too. Expect them to eat with adults. Expect them to travel with you to places you are interested in. When our children see us navigating our way through the world, and finding ways to feel valued, they learn how to do the same. I just don’t understand why we let children become isolated, or insist that every activity is centred on their needs. This does nothing but create narcissism, when what we want is our children to feel a part of networks of people who rely upon them.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio.

Book Pairing #1: If you loved Happy Parents, Happy Kids, you'll love Right From The Start

Welcome to Book Pairings — a brand new blog feature that is designed to help you find other books you might enjoy reading.

I’m assuming that if you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ve probably read one or more of my most recent books (Happy Parents, Happy Kids, Parenting Through the Storm, or the newly updated edition of The Mother of All Toddler Books, for example).

That’s great (and, trust me, I’m grateful), but there is an entire universe of other great books you might want to know about as well.

Books that were written by someone other than me.

Books that somehow relate to the big ideas in many of my books: things like community and connection and resilience and parenting in ways that work for both parents and our kids.

Books that I loved and that I’m pretty sure you’re going to love, too.

And that’s what this new feature is all about: helping you to discover some other really great books. We are, after all, living in an age of information overload: a time when it’s increasingly difficult for books to find readers and readers to find books that they are guaranteed to love. That’s why I’m stepping in to do a bit of book matchmaking myself. It’s my attempt to be of service to both my readers and to the many authors whose work I really like and respect. Wherever possible, I’ll be including a mini-interview with the authors of those books. I think that helps to make things more interesting for you and it gives me a great excuse to connect with some of my fellow authors. It’s pretty much a win-win in other words.

So without any further ado, here’s the first book pairing.

Book Pairing #1: If you loved Happy Parents, Happy Kids, you’ll love Dr. Vanessa Lapointe’s brand new book Right From The Start

Right from the Start (which is being published today) is a guide to getting parenting off to the happiest, healthiest start during the baby and toddler years.

Psychologist Dr. Vanessa Lapointe has written a wise and intuitive book that takes gets at the magic of parenting. Dr. Vanessa sees and celebrates the transformative elements of parenting: the fact that parenting is a life-changing experience for parents as well as kids. The fact of the matter is that none of us are ever truly done learning and growing — and now we have the opportunity to learn and grow alongside our kids.

This is a key theme in my most recent book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids — and it’s something I talk about a lot in my weekend parenting column for CBC Radio. The reason is simple: I find this tremendously inspiring. We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to have all the answers upfront. We simply need to commit to learning and growing with our kids.

A few weeks back, I took the opportunity to connect with Dr. Vanessa Lapointe to talk with her about her new book. What follows are the highlights of that conversation. (I’m the one asking the questions and she’s the one giving the answers.)

Q: Why is it so important to “do your own work” as a parent? How does this make parenting easier and less stressful?

A: Becoming a parent brings with it entry into the parent-child relationship for the second time in your life. You’ve been in this kind of a relationship once before, when you were a child. This familiarity means that we can fall quickly into old patterns that were established for us in our own childhood. So even though you swear up and down you will do this differently or better, your subconscious programming will reactively take over. You want to stop yelling at your kids but you just can’t seem to jump on those shouts before they fly out of your mouth. You want to feel confident as a parent but no amount of self pep-talking seems to make any difference. This is how we are pointed to our own work. When we grow ourselves we can step in from a place of heart and strength to really grow our children in the best possible way. And while none of that is easy, it is decidedly worth it for the significant reduction in stress that you will experience alongside a huge increase in general ease and happiness with life.

Q: How important is it to connect with other parents who are just as committed to doing this work? Are there advantages to learning and growing alongside other parents and building a supportive community for yourself and your kids?

A: As parents we were never meant to go this alone. Having a village or community of like-minded people who can champion and support you is really key when it comes to feeling like you’ve got this thing called parenting. To have a community that you can turn to on a hard day, or when something comes up that you aren’t really sure about helps parents to feel not quite so alone. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if parents everywhere had that kind of daily support? The trickle down impact for our children would be incredible! Kids don’t grow in isolation. As Urie Bronfenbrenner put forward with his ecological theory of development, they are nested in families and in communities and those nested influences are incredibly important in terms of developmental outcomes.

Q: What is your best advice to parents who may secretly worry that they don't actually have what it takes to be a good parent? (I think a lot of parents carry around this secret fear.)

A: I almost think we are wired culturally to run what I call a “not good enough” program. We live in constant fear of doing it wrong. But what if I told you that was just a story? What if it isn’t actually real? What if all along we have been perfectly wired up as humans to be incredibly brilliant at raising our young? Imagine if that were our story instead?! Think about the voice in your head that has you thinking you might not be a good parent. Hear that voice and understand that voice. And then, let that voice know that the real you has got this. And lean in to the possibilities of what comes with feeling like you’re going to get it figured out.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio.