Helping Kids to Thrive Online: Q&A with Devorah Heitner, author of Screenwise

“Kids may be tech savvy, but you have wisdom. You hold the most powerful piece of the puzzle.” 
-    Devorah Heitner, Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World

That’s a powerful and reassuring message for parents who find themselves grappling with the challenges of raising the first generation of so-called digital natives. 

As Heitner notes in this practical and supportive guide for parents, you don’t have to understand the ins and outs of every conceivable social media platform or app in order to help your child thrive online. What matters more than your own technical savvy is the life experience you bring to the table—that and your willingness to mentor and guide your child as she begins to explore the online world.

And, of course, that means accepting the fact that kids will make mistakes online, just as they make mistakes in real life. “Start from the assumption that your children want to do the right thing; they just don’t always know how,” Heitner advises. Instead of hitting the panic button when kids commits a digital faux pas, help them to figure out a better way of handling this particular situation the next time. 

The upside of going this route can be huge because your kids will be willing (and not afraid) to come to you if they encounter a situation that is too big or scary for them to handle on their own. This can be life-changing for parents and kids alike. As Heitner explains, “Even if they have done something they regret, they need to feel that they can talk to you about it. If kids don’t feel isolated, they are far less at risk.”

Having this kind of frank and open dialogue about technology (one that allows for missteps and u-turns) will also allow you to mentor your child through the process of setting limits on her digital life—an all-important skill for the next generation of digital citizens, starting in childhood. “Making the right choices about how and where to spend time is harder than ever,” Heitner explains. “Without mentorship and guidance, rabbit-hole distractions could claim large chunks of precious childhood.” 

Here’s so helping our kids to sidestep at least some of those rabbit holes. 

Q&A with Devorah Heitner, author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World.

Q: You spend a lot of time in your book reassuring parents that they do, in fact, have the skills they need to raise digital natives. Do you think parents feel a lot of anxiety about this — including pressure to master every conceivable platform/app? Where does that anxiety stem from?

Devorah Heitner: "The anxiety stems first from guilt. We have all been sold the idea that minimal tech for kids is 'better' parenting and that 'letting' our kids use technology 'too much' is a sign of bad parenting. That guilt is a barrier to honest conversations with other parents that could serve us well and help us encourage and support our kids in their tech pursuits rather than simply 'let' them use technology. The anxiety also comes from a feeling that things are moving faster than we can keep up with. Rather than try to keep abreast or get ahead of your child, let them teach you about the things the love, or investigate requested apps together."

Q: How can we, as parents, avoid black-and-white thinking when it comes to technology: either thinking of technology as all good or all bad? Where is the sensible middle ground?

Devorah Heitner: "You can do unwise or mean things in any social space—from Google docs to group texts to a game. You can also do lovely things and innocuous harmless things in most places. We need to recognize that reality and respond accordingly. Apps and games and search engines can all be tricky territory and kids do need mentorship. Rather than look at tech as good or bad, look at its role in your life or in a particular relationship and evaluate if something needs to change. Our kids learn a lot about how to use tech from us as their models, so we also need to be reflective about that!"

Three Simple Yet Powerful School-Year Resolutions for Parents

The beginning of September can feel a lot like New Year’s when you’re a parent. After all, it marks the start of a whole new year — a whole new school year, in this case. So what could be fitting than taking this opportunity to make a few school-year resolutions as a family?

Not quite sure what types of resolutions to make?

Here are three simple yet powerful school-year resolutions you might want to consider making this year.

Eat together 

There’s a solid body of research to support the benefits of eating together as a family. Kids who eat dinner with their parents on a regular basis eat more vegetables, are less likely to become overweight, are less likely to smoke, take drugs, or drink alcohol; do better in school; and have stronger communication skills. In other words, family mealtimes lead to happier, healthier kids.

The challenge, of course, is to find a way to have dinner together as a family when you’re busy juggling work, school, and extra-curricular activities. This is easier to pull off if you keep your definition of what constitutes family dinnertime fluid and flexible. Nora Spinks, CEO of The Vanier Institute of the Family, explains: “September is a great time to resolve to eat dinner more often together as families. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s around your dining room table or around your kitchen table. You can have high-quality conversations and interactions at family meal time, even if it’s in the food court.”

So it’s less a matter of where you connect and more a matter of how you connect. In order to make room for the kind of high-quality conversations and interactions that truly make a difference for kids, family members need to be ready to truly connect with one another without being lured away by the distraction of an electronic device.

Read together

Books aren’t just good for your brain. They’re also good for your relationships and your health. So why wouldn’t you want to make reading together as a family part of your regular routine?

Consider the evidence in support of reading. Kids who are exposed to books on a regular basis benefit both academically and socially. They have richer vocabularies and they’re more empathetic (because being immersed in the lives of characters we care about gives us practice in seeing the world through another person’s eyes).  And it’s not just kids who benefit from getting deeply immersed in a story, by the way. There’s brand new research to show that reading regularly boosts longevity (by helping to ward off cognitive decline). So you’ll definitely want to commit to hitting the books yourself!

Walk together

There are far-reaching benefits to taking family walks. It’s an opportunity to talk and connect with your kids while you’re getting some exercise and enjoying the mental/physical health benefits of being physically active. It can take a while for a child to open up to a parent — or for a conversation to move beyond a superficial exchange. Walking together ensures that you find that time. 

Just don’t expect these family walks (or any time you spend together as a family, for that matter) to be all magic, all the time. That’s not realistic. And, as it turns out, the not-so-perfect times are the stuff of which great stories and hilarious family memories are made. Jessica Anderson, a mother of three who is also the CEO of North Hastings Child and Family Centre in Bancroft, Ontario, had this to say about sidestepping the “everything has to be perfect” trap: “I think that the most important thing to remember with spending quality time and connecting is that it might not look like the perfect scenario. It might be where they’re complaining about how hot it is or how cold it is, if you go for a walk, or they’re saying the bugs are bothering them, but I think at the end of the day, those are the memories that they’ll have and I think that’s really important.”

Some final advice

Don’t just expect these changes to happen, just because you’d like them to happen. Understand that you have to take action to turn these resolutions into the new normal for your family. Nora Spinks offers this very practical suggestion: “Plan it. Don’t add it to your to do list. Add it to your calendar. If you don’t plan it, it’s not going to happen automatically.”

Of course, as important as it is to plan and schedule, you don’t want your life to feel like an endless list of obligations. It’s important to leave room in your family’s schedule for some spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants fun. It’s amazing what a difference just an hour or two of unanticipated joy can make in your kids’ lives and your life. So be sure to leave some room in your life for the unscheduled and the unexpected, too.

You might also enjoy:

• Ann and Kim's amazing back-to-school adventure
• A shockingly sensible guide to back-to-school sleep

A Shockingly Sensible Guide to Back-to-School Sleep

A lot of the sleep advice that we hear at this time of year makes perfect sense, provided that you’re raising a robot.  

You’ve no doubt come across some of these robot-friendly back-to-school sleep strategies, like schedules that recommend that we ease our children’s bedtimes back 15 minutes at a time. 

All that sounds great in theory—provided that you’re prepared to make sleep the sole focus of those precious final weeks of summer and that you somehow ended up with a super-compliant kid….

Here’s what I’m proposing as a back-to-school sleep solution: finding some sensible middle ground in between the two extremes that tend to be paraded around at this time of year: 

1. doing nothing (and ending up with a child who will morph into a sleep-deprived emotional yo-yo by the end of the first week of school) or 
2. adhering to some rigid sleep transition schedule that would do any self-respecting drill sergeant proud. 

What I’m talking about is simply connecting the dots between where our kids are right now when it comes to sleep schedules and where we’d like them to be in two weeks time when that first morning of school rolls around—and then to look for opportunities to gently nudge their sleep schedules in that general direction (as opposed to taking a boot camp-like approach to the whole issue of sleep).

Of course, there are all kinds of practical things we can do to help with the nudging process. We can plan activities that encourage out kids to get our kids out of bed (and out of doors) first thing in the morning so that they can benefit from being exposed to bright morning light (one of the most powerful strategies for resetting your body’s sleep-wake cycle). And we can encourage our kids to unplug from their electronic devices during the hour or two before they head off to bed (to allow their brains to start to feel sleepy)—and to keep those devices at bay during the night (to avoid being roused out of sleep in the middle of the night by the beep of a text message alert). 

But here’s the thing: Sleep is one of those parenting battles you just can’t win. You can lead a child to bed but you can’t make him sleep, in other words. So this is definitely one of those situations where it makes sense to get your child involved in coming up with sleep solutions that will work for him.

It’s definitely worth having these discussions. We have a tendency to treat sleep like a luxury—something to indulge in when we have time. We need to recognize and treat it for what it is—the invisible glue that holds everything else in our lives together. That’s an important message to pass along to our kids in an age of round-the-clock everything. They need to be given permission to hit the pause button on life so that their bodies and brains can regenerate and refuel; so they can function at and feel their best during the day.

Of course, one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is to be a good sleep role model yourself: to let your kids see you making sleep a priority in your own life, too. It may not be an easy thing to do, but it’s worth it. You’ll be able to think more clearly, react more calmly, and you’ll have more energy to do all the things you want to do—including being the parent you want to be. 

Here’s to making this the best school year ever for you and your kids; and to savouring the gift that is sleep.


Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about parenting including, most recently, Parenting Through the Storm.

Ann and Kim's Amazing Back-to-School Adventure

Wondering what you can do to make this the best possible school year for yourself and your child (to say nothing of your child’s teacher, too)? We’ve got a roundup of practical, parent-proven suggestions to pass along—a straightforward and simple five-step back-to-school plan. 

And just in case you're wondering who the "we" is (because I usually write the content on this blog on my own), I teamed up with Kim Peterson to create the content for this special back-to-school parenting guide. Kim is one of the co-creators of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap. If you're following her on Twitter, you already know what an amazing source of support and information she is for parents who have a child with special needs.

But enough about us! You’re here to pick up some tips on minimizing the stress of back-to-school. Here is our quick-and-easy 5-step plan for making the most of this fun-but-busy time of year. (And, if you'd prefer to listen in on the audio version of this conversation, you'll find it right here via SoundCloud.)

Step One: Get Connected

Connect with your child. Start out by having a back-to-school conversation with your child. Find out what's on his mind as he thinks ahead to the coming school year. What is he looking forward to? Does he have any worries/concerns? Is there anything you could be talking about or working through together?

Connect with his teacher. Make contact with your child’s teacher as soon as possible during the school year—sooner, if you can swing it. Let her know that you’re eager to work with her to make this a great school year for all concerned. Provide her with a one-page document highlighting strategies that work well with your child and providing her with other need-to-know information upfront. It’s great to be able to make a connection with the teacher and to identify some common ground as early in the school year as possible.

Connect with your community. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support that child’s parent. Tap into some of that support for yourself so that you can continue to be a powerful advocate on behalf of your child. "Build your support circle," says Kim. "Become familiar with your school board’s SEAC (Special Education Advisory Committee), parent council, SERT (Special Education Resource Teacher), principal, teachers, educational assistant, education advocates, doctors, therapists, school parents’ association, and so on." And don't try to carry all this information around in your head. Write it down so that you can access it quickly and easily when you need it. 

Step Two: Get Organized

Start out by organizing yourself. Don't leave all your back-to-school preparation to the last minute. That will only add to your stress level. Instead, chip away at the various items on your back-to-school to do list (picking up back-to-school supplies; visiting the school) at a more manageable pace. And be sure to set aside some time to create or update a binder that will allow you to advocate effectively for your child. Be sure to include copies of your child's IEP, treatment plans, communication logs (documenting your various conversations with treatment providers and/or your child's school) as well as a copy of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap. 

Then help your child to get organized, too. Help your child to adjust to the before-school and after-school routines before he is faced with the first day of school. Walk through the routine on a regular basis during the final weeks of summer holidays so that he'll know what to expect when the school year actually begins. Doing this can help to ease the anxiety your child may be experiences as he transitions to something new. "Consider making a visual schedule to hang up on the refrigerator so that everyone in the house is aware," suggests Kim. "You can also create a social story if your child responds to that better." You might also want to set aside time to visit the schoolyard, to allow your child to start to feel familiar with that environment, and/or to reconnect with schoolmates and arrange a few playdates in the lead-up to school.

Step Three: Get Calm

Get calm yourself and then help your child to get and stay calm, too. Kim suggests practicing mindfulness ("Having a clear, positive mind is what you need to start the new school year") and making self-care a priority for yourself and your child. Her best advice? Make a self-care wall to outline strategies that work for you when you're feeling anxious, exhausted, or depressed. Better yet, map out some of these strategies on a document you can carry with you in your smartphone or in your agenda so that you can tap into these strategies when (not if!) the going gets tough. And do the same for your child, too. Help him to identify the strategies that work best for him and then figure out how he can access these strategies in a flash when he needs them.

Step Four: Get Pumped

The start of a new school year is an exciting time—and you’ll find it easier to cope with any curveballs if you embark on the year in a positive state of mind. That means feeling confident about your ability to support and advocate on your child's behalf. And it means committing to do the hard work of relationship maintenance.

First of all, it's important to own the expertise that you possess as your child's parent: to recognize that you are the true expert when it comes to your child. Don’t be afraid to share your best insights into and observations about what will work best for him at school out of some misguided fear that you have less expertise to offer than your child's teachers. Don’t sell yourself short. Recognize that you have a deep knowledge and understanding of your child that can benefit your child’s teachers (and him) in all kinds of ways.

Secondly, model good problem-solving and relationship maintenance skills for your child. Curveballs are inevitable. It’s all about knowing how to handle them. That means teaching your child how to respond to frustrations in ways that encourage other people to want to help him: assuming the best of the other person, taking a solutions-orienting approach, asking for help/support from others, and so on. Remind yourself (and him) that relationships take work: and that preventing problems is preferable to having to manage the fallout after the fact. Keep the lines of communication open, express appreciation, and try to anticipate and head off problems. When problems do arise, deal with them early (as opposed to allowing them to snowball) and, if a relationship hits a rough spot, commit to doing the hard work involved in relationship repair. 

Step Five: Get Informed

Commit to learning more. Expose yourself to as much information as you can about dealing with your child’s challenges and capitalizing upon his strengths. Knowledge is power! Download a copy of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap. Pick up a copy of Ann's book Parenting Through the Storm (a guide to parenting a child who is struggling). And tap into the countless other resources available to you as the parent of a child who has special needs. You don't have to do this on your own. 
 

Is there a tip you’d like to share with us—so that we can then share it with other parents? Is there a resource you think other parents would want to know about? Is there a topic you'd like us to tackle in a future blog post or audio tip sheet? Let us know. We'd love to hear from you.
 

Ann Douglas is a mom of four and the author of numerous books about parenting including, most recently, Parenting Through the Storm. She is also CBC Radio’s weekend parenting columnist. She shares parenting and mental health resources on Twitter @anndouglas.

Kim Peterson is a mom of two including a child with autism. She is also one of the co-creators of the Ontario Special Needs Roadmap which has been downloaded over 70,000 times since it was released two years ago. She's also the brains behind the very popular @ONTSpecialNeeds Twitter account. 

How to Savour What's Left of Summer

Turning the calendar page to August is a poignant reminder that summer won’t last forever. In just a few short weeks, we’ll all be diving into the hurricane that is back to school. So how do you make the most of these final few weeks of summer? How do you fill them with the kinds of memories that you'll want to look back on in months and years to come? Here are a few tips.

Revisit your summer wish list

Remember that list you made (on a piece of paper or maybe even just in your head), back when summer was just a vague and abstract idea: how you came up with a list of all the things you swore you would do this summer? Well, there’s no time like the present to revisit that list and to zero in on the things that matter most. Maybe it’s taking a day trip to an area attraction or planning an out-of-town getaway to visit friends and family members for a weekend. Or maybe it’s simply deciding that you want to spend more time having fun together as a family, here at home. Sometimes the most ordinary events get translated into the most spectacular memories, after all.

Be spontaneous

Find yourself with an unexpected block of time? Seize the moment and do something spontaneous and fun. Toss around a Frisbee. Head to the park. Whip up something delicious and decadent on the backyard grill. It’s amazing what a difference just an hour or two of unanticipated joy can make in your life and your kids’ lives, too. It's a chance to really connect with your kids in a powerful and far-reaching way.

Create time

Are there some tasks you could put off until fall so that you can make the most of summer? The basement will still be there to organize come September or October, but the lakes and rivers won’t be warm enough to swim in anymore. Here’s an idea: think about hitting the pause button on social media, if only for a couple of hours or a day at a time. Social media is great—but it can be all-encompassing. Don’t be afraid to unplug from technology temporarily so that you can plug into other opportunities and experiences instead. Give yourself and your kids the chance to harvest a few more summer memories by making intentional choices about how you’re choosing to use your time.

Savour the moment

When you’re having an amazing time with your kids, pause to really drink in every detail of that moment. Imagine that you’re trying to download this moment into your brain. Don’t be afraid to take a snapshot or two to capture the moment. Reflecting on a photo of this special moment can, after all, help you to relive it down the road. But don’t allow the act of taking photos to interfere with your enjoyment of the here and now. (Yes, it’s a fine line.) You can squeeze more joy out of each and every moment by learning to anticipate, savour, and then remember that moment. (Do the math: we’re talking three times the fun.)

So there you have it: some practical advice on making the most of these final days of summer. And if you do decide to put one of these tips into action, let me know. I'd love to hear how things worked out for you. 
 

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about parenting, including, most recently Parenting Through the Storm. She is also the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and a mom of four.