The Truth About Helicopter Parenting

Note: I discussed the latest research on helicopter parenting in a roundup of interviews for CBC Radio radio stations across the country Monday morning. Here's a link to one of those interviews -- with Susan McReynolds of Ontario Morning. (You want the Monday, July 4, 2016 episode. And the interview begins at the 27 minute mark of the podcast.)

There's a new study about helicopter parenting making the rounds this week, which means we're going to be seeing a lot of over-the-top news headlines for at least the next little while. Because, hey, if there's one thing the media loves, it's a story about helicopter parenting....

Here's the thing that the news headlines typically overlook: helicopter parenting is actually a fairly rare phenomenon (a fact that the authors of this most recent study readily acknowledge, too).

Sure, most of us can think of at least one parent we know who could be described as a helicopter parent (someone who is overly intrusive and/or psychologically controlling; who quashes rather than celebrates their child’s independence, leading him to feel less rather than more competent and confident), but that parent is the exception rather than the rule.

The majority of parents engage in what the researchers describe as autonomy-supportive parenting: parenting that supports and encourages the growing independence of their child, adolescent, or young adult. There's a good reason for that. It makes sense developmentally (parenting is all about preparing your offspring for eventual independence). And it's a style of parenting that leads to healthier outcomes for so-called emerging adults: increased life satisfaction, improved health (including reduced rates of depression), and stronger coping skills.

So if you happen to spot an alarmist news report about helicopter parenting, try to put the research into perspective by reminding yourself that the supposed epidemic of helicopter parenting is anything but. And don't let fear of being perceived as a helicopter parent cause you to take an overly hands-off approach with your kid. Having a parent who is actively involved in your life can be beneficial -- even for an emerging adult.

Ultimately, what this all comes down to is the advantages of parenting intuitively: of observing your child, noting what she is capable of at any given stage, and encouraging her growing independence. That means encouraging her to try new things so that she can develop a strong sense of who she is and what she is capable of -- and it means recognizing and accepting the fact that there will be a few inevitable stumbles along the way. Help her to understand that your love and support are completely unconditional.  She doesn’t have to be perfect. She doesn’t have to be afraid to try new things for fear of failing. It’s okay to take chances because that’s how we learn and grow. And if she hits a rough spot where she needs a bit of extra encouragement and support, that’s okay. That’s why she has you. She may be all grown up now, but you're still in her court. Always have been. Always will be. That's not hovering: that's caring and connecting. And that's what parenting is all about.

• Interview on this topic with CBC Radio's Ontario Morning (the interview is in the Monday, July 4, 2016 episode of the podcast and begins at the 27 minute mark).

RELATED READ:

Curious about what's behind all the recent parent blaming and parent shaming?

I shared a few thoughts on the phenomenon in this article for the July-August 2016 issue of The Monitor: "Why the media loves to bash parents." You'll find it on page 24. Download your free copy here.

Summer Reading: The Big Book of Nature Activities

Me as a toddler, exploring the wonders of nature at the family cottage.

Review of The Big Book of Nature Activities by Drew Monkman and Jacob Rodenburg. New Society Publishers, 2016. Paperback. 352 pages. Fully illustrated. $39.95.

My earliest—and happiest—childhood memories are of times spent in nature:  accompanying my dad on walks in the woods at the family cottage, collecting and pressing wildflowers with my grandmother, and heading into the marsh behind our suburban home to make forts with other kids from around the neighborhood. It was all about freedom (to make my own fun) and discovery (the chance to experience any number of untold wonders for myself).

In recent years, scientists have begun to document the countless ways that spending time in nature benefits children physically, mentally, and spiritually. But, of course, it’s one thing to know that spending time in nature is good for your child. It’s quite another to come up with strategies to convince him to ditch the electronic devices and head outdoors.

Fortunately, there’s a way to sidestep the potential standoff between technology and nature. Simply invite the gadgets along. Whether it’s taking photos, making videos, or keeping an electronic journal of discoveries made in nature, your child will find all kinds of ways to put his technology to use on your family nature adventure. As Drew Monkman and Jacob Rodenburg note in their brand new book, The Big Book of Nature Activities (New Society Publishers, 2016), “Although it might seem counter-intuitive, there are actually many ways in which digital technology can inspire people of all ages to get moving, exploring, and enjoying nature. Sharing through social media, and the feedback from others that often follows, can keep the outdoor experience alive for days or weeks.”

Once your child has the opportunity to experience the wonders of nature first-hand, he’ll be more included to want to unplug from the wired world. Of course, you can be a powerful role model on this front by parking your smartphone, too. “Take the time to unplug and savor the natural world, with no filter for your senses, Monkman and Rodenburg recommend. “As someone once noted, ‘There may not be any Wi-Fi in the forest, but I promise you’ll find a better connection.'”

About the Book

Looking for ways to pique your child’s curiosity about nature? The Big Book of Nature Activities is jam-packed with child-friendly crafts, games, and projects designed to promote a connection with the natural world. Make a fish viewer. Create a batch of wildflower perfume. Or try your hand at Citizen Science (when everyday citizens act as the eyes and ears of scientists, collecting crucial data about the natural world). You’ll find four seasons’ worth of ideas and inspiration in this practical and accessible guide.  

Reviewed by Ann Douglas

It's Okay to Say No -- or "Not Right Now"

Feeling maxed out? Wish someone would write you a permission note that you could politely present to anyone who even dares to think about demanding anything more of you right now?

Consider this blog post that note of permission: confirmation that it's okay to say no or (at a minimum) "not right now."

You're not being selfish.

You're engaging in self-preservation.

And that's one of the least selfish things you can do as the parent of a child who is struggling. 

I got to thinking about these things after speaking to a friend this morning -- a friend who is having a really hard time. The load she is carrying at the best of times is a heavy one -- and her load just got a whole lot heavier. The only way she's going to get through the next few weeks is by saying "no" vehemently and often.

But, here's the thing: sometimes we default to saying yes even though we need to say no, both for our own sakes and for the sakes of other people we love.

I recently had the opportunity to discuss the how and why of saying no with another friend of mine, Susan Newman, psychologist and author of The Book of No.

I asked her to talk about why it's so important to master the art of saying no when you have a child who is struggling. 

Here are the highlights of that conversation.

Why is it so critical that parents who have a child who is struggling master the art of saying no?

So much of your time, worry, and emotional energy automatically focus on a child who is struggling with an illness of any sort—be it physical or mental. Saying no for a parent is a form of self-protection and psychological survival…and ultimately a boon to your child’s wellbeing. 

There are times when even you need a break—a few hours to spend with friends, to connect with your partner, or to be with yourself quietly. A no to whatever the demand or request often gives you that time to decompress, think through problems and essentially shore up the inner resources you need to handle whatever comes next and make good decisions for your child. 

A further benefit of saying no specifically to your child is that you gain the child’s respect and eventually his trust. A no tells him, especially when the outcome is positive, that you have his or her best interests at heart.

What happens when we don’t say no often enough — or we talk ourselves into saying yes, even though our heart is telling us we really need to be saying no?

When you don’t say no as frequently as you should or would like, you begin to feel as if you have no control over events or your child. That can begin to feel overwhelming and all consuming. More often than not a parent’s instincts are correct. If you feel you should be saying no, then you probably should.

By avoiding nos you run the risk of losing yourself and feeling trapped, at the mercy of your child who is dealing with her own problems. You could find yourself unable to cope and being out of control yourself can leave you unable to manage the situation, be sympathetic, or clear-headed enough to find the resources you need or make good choices for your son or daughter. 

What are our biggest fears about saying no — and what can we do to address those fears?

One of the biggest fears is that a no will make the situation of the moment worse or that your child will be upset and resort to the very behaviors or feelings we are trying to avoid. When your nos are used judiciously and couched in terms of what might be a solution or comfort or empathy, the nos will likely be more accepted without a long lasting downside.

Perhaps the biggest fear for all parents is that our child will not like or love us. When you factor in that most parents don’t want to disappoint their children—common thinking today—refusing a child becomes all the more difficult. The reality is that whatever you say no to will probably be forgotten in next hour or so—even a few minutes later with younger children. Nos said kindly while acknowledging a child’s disappointment or anger, will not jeopardize your relationship with your child. 

In what ways is saying no an act of kindness to yourself — and to others, too?

Each of us had only so much physical and emotional energy. Well-placed, strategic nos help to conserve energy so it’s available when you need it. Saying no to a request or conduct you disapprove of will hopefully keep you calm and better able to address and cope with your child’s issues. 

Amazingly, the word no is freeing: it “buys” you precious time and keeps the boundaries you set for yourself, for your child and others secure; it teaches children, especially those with a mental challenge that there are rules that need to be followed, conduct that is expected. No is powerful in the positive developments it often helps to create, allowing you to work toward the solutions you seek. That can only feel good. Being kind to yourself is in the end the same as being kind to and supportive of your child.

Looking for additional insights into the joys and challenges of a parenting a child who is struggling? Find out more about my book Parenting Through the Storm.  

Mindful Parenting

Ann Douglas, author of Parenting Through the Storm, explores the mental health benefits (to you and your child) of making conscious and deliberate parenting choices.

Your four year old is having a meltdown in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. You’re feeling frustrated and embarrassed. If only there were an escape key you could hit to remove yourself from this situation just long enough to regain your cool….

Guess what? There is a way to hit the parenting pause button before you say or do something you might regret later on. It’s called mindful parenting and it is one of the most powerful and effective techniques I know for dealing with the day-to-day frustrations of parenting.

Mindful parenting is all about making conscious and deliberate parenting choices—as opposed to reacting without thinking (something that can happen pretty easily when your mind is being flooded with emotion). 

According to a group of psychologists from the University of California, San Francisco, and Pennsylvania State University who have researched mindful parenting extensively, mindful parenting involves listening with full attention; practicing non-judgmental acceptance of yourself and your child; being aware of your emotions and your child’s emotions in the moment; and having compassion for yourself and your child. 

Let’s consider how each of these four pieces fits into the mindful parenting puzzle and what this means to you, in practical terms, as you’re trying to make peace with your child in the cereal aisle.

1. Listening with full attention. Listening with full attention means really tuning into what your child is saying: listening to what she is saying and how she is saying it. Tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language are key. What you want to do is figure out what your child is trying to tell you and what she needs from you so that you can figure out what to do to help her to manage her out-of-control emotions. It’s important to look beyond the obvious. Your child may be asking for a particular brand of cereal, but she may actually be telling you something else entirely: perhaps that she’s had it up to here with running errands this morning. (That long line at the bank may have maxed out her patience an hour ago. Likely, yours, too.)
2. Practicing non-judgmental acceptance. What you’re trying to do here is resist the urge to judge yourself and your child harshly—something that only serves to ramp up the amount of negative emotion you’re experiencing (making it even more difficult for you to respond rationally to an already tough situation). So, instead of telling yourself that you’re the worst parent in the world or that your kid is a spoiled brat, simply observe (non-judgmentally!) what’s going on: “We’ve had a busy morning. My child needs a break and so do I.”
3. Acknowledging what you and your child are feeling. It’s important to acknowledge and accept your child’s emotions as well as your own. You may find it works well to work through this process with your child, if only to verify that you’ve read her emotions correctly. For example, you might say to your child, “It looks like you need a break. Know what? Me, too! We’ve been running around all morning and we’ve both tired and hungry.” Your child is likely to respond well to what you’re saying. Having your emotions validated by another human being always feels great—and, if it turns out that you’ve misread what she’s feeling, no worries: you’ve given her the chance to set the record straight.
4. Treating yourself and your child with compassion. Treating yourself with self-compassion basically means treating yourself with the same kindness that you would extend to a friend who was struggling. You wouldn’t tell a friend that she was a bad parent because her child was having a meltdown in the cereal aisle. You would acknowledge that she’s doing the best that she can in a difficult situation—and then you would encourage her to take action to make the situation better. So be your own best friend and cut yourself some slack. Not only will you feel less stressed and less judged (that critical voice in our own heads can be pretty nasty): you’ll feel greater compassion toward your child, something that makes parenting immeasurably easier.

So what are the benefits of taking a mindful approach to parenting? 

There are plenty, for both you and your child.

You’ll feel like a more competent and in-control parent. Because you’re making conscious and deliberate parenting decisions (decisions that support your big-picture parenting goals), you will tend to make better parenting decisions and to feel better about those decisions after the fact.

Your child will feel cared for and heard. She will feel reassured that her feelings make sense, she will be encouraged her to turn to you for support the next time she’s feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, and she will learn to treat herself and others with self-compassion (a powerful lesson with far-reaching consequences).

It’s important to know upfront that mindful parenting can take a bit of practice. When you first start to implement these principles, you may find yourself becoming acutely aware of those times when your parenting efforts miss the mark. You’ll hear yourself saying something harsh and judgmental about yourself or your child in your own head—and then you’ll have to remind yourself that you’re trying to remember to suspend judgment and to treat yourself and your child with self-compassion. This is a good thing (although it can feel kind of rotten in the moment). Recognizing where there’s room for improvement means that you’re well on your way to understanding and implementing this new approach to parenting—and that it won’t be long at all before mindfulness becomes second nature.

This article originally appeared in Local Parent magazine.

Related posts:

• Four Simple-Yet-Powerful Things You Can Do to Start Making Things Better for Your Child Right Now
• Dear Parent of a Child Who is Struggling
   

Mental Health Advocacy Award: Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere

It's been a pretty exciting week for me.

On Tuesday night, the Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere (FAME) inducted me into their mental health advocacy Hall of Fame in recognition of my "contributions to the community's understanding of mental illness" and "untiring advocacy around mental health issues." Past inductees into the FAME Hall of Fame include former Ontario Lieutenant Governor James Bartleman, journalist and author Scott Simmie, mental health advocate Karen Lieberman, mental health advocate Lembi Buchanan, mental health advocate Al Birney, and filmmaker Stuart Clarefield. 

The Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere offers support to families who have a loved one who is struggling with a mental health challenge. They serve families across the Greater Toronto Area and Peel Region through their offices in Etobicoke, Scarborough, Brampton, and Mississauga. "We believe families make up the basic social structure of our society," the organization's website notes. "Family members provide ongoing support and connection for many of our life experiences. This is particularly true for persons who are vulnerable or ill....As an organization brought together by families, we have a thorough understanding of the challenges and emotions experienced in supporting a family member with a mental illness....[We] works hard to ensure that families have a strong voice within the communities. We are based on a self-help model which respects and supports the expertise that families have regarding their mentally ill relative and their experience in the system."

Thank you, FAME -- both for taking the time to recognize my mental health advocacy work and for the truly life-changing work you have been doing in support of families for over 25 years.

Photos from the event.